WELCOME TO THE NORTHERN ARCADE
THE NORTHERN ARCADE is the pleasure palace of The Mercado Lounge, designed for the maximum expression of your most hedonistic impulses. At THE NORTHERN ARCADE we provide you with many services neglected by other leisure resort areas and discouraged by Federal Laws. Yes, at THE NORTHERN ARCADE you will experience the style and luxurious comfort of the super rich without the bother of having them rub elbows with the likes of you. For your convenience there is a separate entrance and facility for your car with professional valet service. And upon entering we hope you enjoy the many exciting facets and services available at THE NORTHERN ARCADE.
To start off with, why not relax with a stimulating, refreshing and almost legal massage from one of our many skilled and professional masseuses and masseurs who will relieve every kink and knot in those strained and tension-filled muscles? At The Northern Arcade, there is no need for anxiety. Here all of your worries will be tranquilized, all of your tension relieved. Our state-of-the-art facilities Health & Wealth facilities will ensure that as you increase in good health, we will be siphoning your even gooder wealth. For instance, why not try a refreshing shower in our recycled bathwater spring? Or how about a soothing dip in our all-natural hot mayonnaise submersion tanks where you feel the impurities sweat out of your body at the same rate flies will be all over you like roadkill on a Texas highway? (But we understand from reliable sources directly from voodoo island nations that it’s supposed to be extremely beneficial for the pores and gives your skin a healthy glow.)
Then, why not take a refreshing dip in our exclusive cloning pool? Yes, The Northern Arcade has been outfitted with a state-of-the-art pool filled with our own velvety smooth genetic agar that replicates your cellular patterns into teeny clones of yourself. We just dare those crummy Disney parks to offer such a sensational souvenir package as that!
Once through with the refreshing process of mayo exfoliation and poolside cloning, you might want to lay down and take a short siesta in one of our patented Solar Flare Tanning Chambers. In a matter of minutes, you will achieve a bronze skin tone that would be the envy of every sunbather in the Riviera. Why be a pale reflection of Casper the Friendly Ghost when you can have the robust tone of Brock Peters, but without the inconvenient leathery side effects of too much sun? With our Solar Flare Tanning Chambers, you achieve instant darkening results through the miracle of concentrated miniature atomic reactions that ignite the atmosphere in the chamber for the merest millisecond to enable you to achieve that perfect definition and radiance of a darkly smooth transformation of your natural pallid pigmentation , and all through the miracle of the Atom. No more greasy lotions or blotchy fake tan applications, the results of the Solar Flare Tanning Chambers are quick , permanent and only moderately radioactive with an estimated half-life of about ninety-nine years. Indulge! For those in a more pensive frame of mind, why not stop by for a nightcap at our Mickey Finn Café, where our exotic roasted international coffees and herbal teas are custom crafted with the medical world’s most reliable horse tranquilizers to give you that good night’s coma your weary mind has been craving. One sip and the distractions of the world will be consciously neutralized for a good six to ten hours, and while our choice brews are busy burrowing their way through your system, cleansing your palate, our dedicated staff will make quick work of not only cleaning and pressing your clothing but cleaning out the plastic in your wallet as well. Just call it a dedication to full customer service!
While visiting The Northern Arcade, don’t forget to visit our delightful new Bavarian Oktoberfest café, The Raging Jackboot, a nostalgic reminder of the good old days in Berlin just before we all pitched together and kicked the crap out of them- all except France, of course, who were too busy drinking wine, smoking cigarettes and sewing berets for existential amusement.
And speaking of wine, if hearty stout or lager is not your cup of tea, then avail yourselves of our fully stocked climate controlled wine cellar, where our veteran sommelier Boris, who studied for over a decade with some of the most eminent winos and booze hounds in the gutters of Eastern Europe, will gladly assist you in selecting the perfect wine for your most special visit to The Northern Arcade. And remember our weekly bonus special: free 4 oz. cheese and crackers with the purchase of every sixty bottles or more of fine wine.