Welcome to the East Wing of The Mercado Lounge. Please remember that pets are welcome at all times except the varieties covered with fur, scales or feathers. While visiting The Mercado Lounge always remember that children are admitted free and please don’t hesitate to make advance reservations for complimentary use of our children sized ether pillows and leg irons to enhance our quality of your “gifted” child’s stay with us. Remember, a restrained, unconscious child makes for a happy visit for both our the rest of our patrons and our staff at The Mercado Lounge. And never let it be said that The Mercado Lounge skimps on those luxuries that our patrons have come to expect. (We may not provide them but we don’t discourage your expectations.) Our tireless fully trained gourmet kitchen staff is at your complete disposal to cater to your every dining desire no matter how exotic or inconvenient, Why, at this very moment they are preparing culinary dishes for your gastronomical edification, using only the freshest (frozen) ingredients and scouring the planet (it’s amazing what recipes you find on soup cans) for the newest trends and innovations in exotic (cheap) dining fare. Already our chefs have discovered over seventy different uses for fried bologna.

With this in mind, we now invite you to test your food savvy in a little exercise we like to call “Test Your Food Savvy”. The following images are each from a food related film or features a scene in which food is a major contributing factor. Your assignment is to identify (correctly if you don’t mind) the title of each film from which the image was taken. There are no points given for partial answers (such as “The”) and the judgment of our panel of experts will be final. Good luck:

Image #1:Image #2:Image #3:Image #4:Image #5: Image #6:Image #7:Image #8:______________________________________________________

                       SCIENCE IS LOOKING FOR YOU!

DO YOU HAVE “THE RIGHT STUFF”? Recent developments in the American space program being what they are, The Mercado Lounge has decided to forge ahead and prepare for the inevitable coming of the second great era in Space Exploration. Therefore we are assembling a team of carbon based life forms to man the first Mercado Lounge Astronaut Corps. First of all, there is no experience and training  necessary. (After all, if that’s true for the Leaders of the World, why should you be held to a higher standard?) Simply read over and complete the following questionnaire to determine whether you have the rudimentary qualifications to be strapped into a spaceship and represent Earth to our galactic neighbors.

01) When greeting an alien visitor, an appropriate offering would be (a) “Klaatu Barada Nikto”, (b) to offer a wine spritzer and a discount coupon to Motel 6, (c) to blast ’em with an experimental heat weapon, (d) to engage in a roundtable discussion on the true meaning of the final episode  of “Lost”.

02) Gals, get your hair properly coiffed as all great scientifical heroes need the reliable assistance of the able bodied, sexy scientific assistant without whom clipboards or freshly brewed coffee would be completely absent from the save-the-world-from-impending-doom scenario. Take a look at the following

images and identify the female who would be out of place in helping to save the world from impending galactic party crashers by demonstrating an inability to perform the expected essential duties of the sexy scientist’s assistant, such as haughtily puffing shared cigarettes  or pouting seductively during your standard Atomic Age mutant crisis. Full throated screaming, cringing and dramatic weeping in the scientist’s lapel are also favored assets.

03)  During your galactic voyages there will be plenty of time for sightseeing. It is important that your are able to identify certain celestial objects at the drop of a Tang bottle in order to avoid embarrassing collisions, possible territorial violations and speeding tickets. Can you name the following items in the photos correctly?

   a) This nifty planet can be found light-years away but still close to beachfront property. Cheap timeshares are available as long as you don’t mind the occasional asteroid shower. The planet is: (a) Altair IV  (b) Tralfamadore  (c) Metaluna  (d) Mr. Sammler’s Planet

  b)  This icy planet is perfect for holiday snowboarding and ice fishing, but tourist must be warned of the often explosive fluctuations in planetary core stability and hotel tax rates. A generally intelligent planet though the population is not hesitant to send illegal immigrants our way. The planet is (a) Oa  (b) Genesis  (c) Krypton  (d) Vermont

ALIEN INFESTATION ALERT! Unfortunately, you won't be warned with alarms and flashing lights unless you avail yourself of The Mercado Lounge Do-It-Yourself-Alien-Avoidance System, available at our front desk for a nominal service and installation fee. Requires three weeks notice for proper installation.

04) In the realm of the universal, one must prepare for all contingencies foreign and domestic. At some point it is quite possible a companion on your stellar voyages will be infected with a pesky space parasite that will cause them to change personality, cheat at poker and inconveniently kill either you or another spacemate. In this case, the knowledgeable astronaut will be wisely savvy to exactly how to track down the identity of the alien poseur.  In case of suspicious activity which lends you to believe a fellow astronaut is contaminated, you should (a) draw a blood sample and test for reactions against heat, (b) fling Green Kryptonite in their face and run as they might throw it back at you, (c) eject them through the airlock just to be on the safe side, (d) if it’s a she give her a good smooch on the lips and watch for any reaction. (This last is not always the most reliable method as it’s success lies as much with you as it does with fact finding, for further instructions, consult Chapter XVII, Sec. III of “The Mercado Lounge Guide to Space Travel and Extraterrestrial Hanky Panky”, entitled: “Insterstellar Command Requirement, Zero Gravity Standards of Space Studliness”.)

HEY KIDS! You too can be an All-American space hero. Simply eat all of your vegetables, drink lots of milk, mind your manners and get retro-fitted with a keen enhanced radium blaster to knock out the bad guys in space. See the Front Desk at The Mercado Lounge for more details!


 A place to find stuff no one else would ever possibly want at prices no one else would possibly ever pay. Boy, did we see you coming…
WANTED, BABYSITTER:  Young couple with newborn seek part-time assistance with child care. Duties include bathing, laundry, feeding, making brief shopping trips and trimming of hooves. Applicant is required to not have an allergy to tannis root. Ability to chant in obscure ancient languages a plus. Call evenings except at the stroke of Midnight. Contact Rosemary. Reference #666-666.
FOR SALE: One large wooden wardrobe with center mirror. In good condition though may have slight sea water staining. A handsome piece requiring only the slightest bit of restoration. Contact Man & Man Moving and Storage. Reference #2
INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY: Once in a lifetime opportunity to become a partner in major upcoming Broadway production. Sophisticated, sparkling musical highlighting fun-loving characters who will invade their way into your hearts and conquer all resistance at the box-office. Contact Max Bialystock Productions, ask for Leo. Reference #3- Reich.


Some great reasons why you could feel grateful that a large planetary object may hurtle into the Earth, destroying all life as we know it.

1.   It would prevent Taylor Lautner from ever polluting another movie screen.

2.   It would prevent Kristen Stewart from ever polluting another movie screen.

3.   It would prevent Robert Pattinson from ever polluting another movie screen.

4.   It would prevent the publication of any further Roger Ebert Yearbooks.



3 Responses to THE MERCADO LOUNGE: The East Wing

  1. bijoux82 says:

    Wait!! Is it too late to change my answer of Impostors to Big Night??

  2. bijoux82 says:

    OK, so I don’t know all of the answers to the food quiz, so since you’ve ruled out my partial answers of “the” (so picky, chandler:) I’ll attempt to answer a few using articles and proper nouns. First, is #1 a French film?? I’m getting that vibe, but am drawing a blank when it comes to the actress. #2 is Sweeney Todd. Is #3 Tampopo???? #5 Little Shop of Horrors. #6 Soylent Green. # 7 The Impostors and #8 Mad Monster Party? Let me know how I did.

    Also, I’m replying here because I received an email about your True Grit blog, but when I tried to view that blog here and leave a comment, because I’m really interested in discussing the Western genres demise, the site says that page doesn’t exist. Was it deleted? I’ll keep looking around for it, but if I don’t comment on it later today it means I couldn’t find it.

    • chandlerswainreviews says:

      Sorry about the confusion. I was marking down some initial notes on “True Grit” and arranging photos in the piece when I inadvertently hit the Post button instead of the Update button. The piece will be up in a few days after I let it simmer a little bit. The review touches on exactly what you’ve mentioned about the genre as a whole, though I’m unconvinced the Western has died (perhaps simply studio commercial interests- based on faulty demographic marketing- make it appear so), but I think just when the genre was transitioning from the traditional to the purely revisionist form, the studios became convinced it was because the genre had exhausted itself, when ironically it was just getting it’s second wind.
      As far as the food quiz, you’ve done very well getting #2,3,5,6,7 and 8 correct. #1 is a foreign film in that it was necessarily conceived and shot overseas due to legal entanglements (that’s a clue) and the actress is married to the director (also a clue).

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