Welcome to The Mercado Lounge, where the critical mind may relax unencumbered by the rash arguments of the populist unwashed. Original critical minds are welcome. Auteurist theories will be checked at the door. Nor are followers of Ebertism welcome; those who canonize the digit-challenged, television-based “reviewer” who undermines all that is valuable in the Critical Establishment. This is a club intended for original thinkers only please. For first time visitors there are a few house rules which we ask you to follow and which are strictly enforced by our crack professional staff who are here to make certain your stay with us is a pleasant one. We ask if you see someone engaged in blatant infractions of the rules, to tell one of our staff immediately so that the offending party may be ejected from the premises so that their behavior might not disturb the others. Our staff thanks you for your anticipated cooperation.
RULES OF THE HOUSE
Though reservations are not necessary, to avoid disappointment it may be advisable to call ahead to make certain there is sufficient seating for you in The Mercado Lounge on any given day. After all, it is certainly worth erring on the side of caution, and there is no downside in avoiding discomfort and delay in admittance by simply using the nearest convenient telephone.
The staff of The Mercado Lounge is here only to service your every need. If there is an occasion where you find there is an amenity that needs altering, please don’t hesitate to advise our closet staff member. Be it extra stationery or luxurious seat or foot cushions, remember your complete comfort is our main objective.
While visiting The Mercado Lounge don’t forget to take advantage of our full service valet parking facilities and our modern state-of-the art car detailing services, where our expert staff will buff, wash and strip down your vehicle to conveniently portable black market resale items without disturbing a moment of your stay with us. Just one of the many amenities we provide free of charge at The Mercado Lounge. And don’t forget to get the complimentary validation of your parking slip.
Here at The Mercado Lounge, your safety is almost as important as our welching on insurance liability payments. So, while we are fitted with state-of-the-art security and safety equipment, this does not relinquish our guests from familiarizing themselves with the locations of all nearby safety exits, fire stairs and evacuation procedures. In case of an emergency, please exit as quickly from the premises leaving behind your jewelry, wallets, watches and other easily pawnable personal items. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.
Now that you’ve acquainted yourself with some of the features of The Mercado Lounge, why not get out of the nasty weather, get out of that wet Mack and into a Hot Toddy, relax and peruse the multiple facets of what The Lounge has to offer? Don’t forget, there’s a money back guarantee if you’re not completely satisfied with your stay. Management would also like to remind you that you didn’t actually pay anything to visit here so you might want to take that into consideration when we chuckle at your request for a refund. And with that happy thought in mind, we welcome you into the World of Wonder, the Palace of Fascination, the Xanadu of Cinema Culture that we humbly call The Mercado Lounge. Oh, just come on in, and close the door behind you. Air conditioning doesn’t pay for itself, you know.
Sign-In Registry: THE 47 FILM RONIN
Please follow Mila to the front desk where you will be asked to solve a puzzle to prove that you are indeed a cinema maven. The task is quite simple. In the following letter jumble are hidden the names of 47 international film directors. Your task is simply to identify all 47 directors.
r e x a d i t n o c s i v o n i h c u l e a n
o l d a r i o a r g e n t o f r e d n i b l o
y l a s e r z o r b l e e l g n a t o l u a t
n i v e w i i g n a l z t i r f r o r a t d h
n m i r a r t r e g e a n n p e l m m p e s c
n e d g y t r e l y w m a i l l i w i e x e i
a d n e a e u l n a n o f l r o l y r g a r r
m b o i r p c t o r o n t l l h u l a r v g c
y l y e s o l h p e s o j e p t o l n o e i s
n i l i a i e a t m r o u f m r h a a e r o e
o c a s l l a w o l o n w o a u a n i g y l l
h e n e o e h a i u u r y c a r l d r e y e r
t c o n h a c n r b t a m i f r a y u r u o a
n o t s c e i f s e u f m r i o s w e f i n h
a r i t i n m i e g r l a e w g h a r n i e c
w y m e n a u t l a q h t d r e b r o a d s o
d a v i d l e a n x t f e e n r y t e v a i n
n w r n o r v k r o o s g r d c t o n a l w s
a a r t i m c a d n k s v f x o r o o b u t e
l h a r h a a b a w r a e a p r o p a o p r l
l t o m p u r r a i l h y r u m a w h i i e i
a a y r e o r h c g y l e i t a d o m r n b a
l h a i w a d p u h a m o r i n a m e a o o k
a y p n f r i e e p i j e f f r e y o m s r a
c r i x a o s s r n o t s u h n h o j a f r z
r n y w n t r p g o n e l l a y o o o w i o a
g e o r g e s e a t o n o r i a l c e n e r n
o h r e x d r o f n h o j k e e l e k i p s a
If you found the letter puzzle exhausting, here’s a happy clue to the solution. The following names are not included in the mix: Otis Criblecoblis, Stubby Kaye, William “One Shot” Beaudine, Andy Sidaris, Topo Gigio, Max von Mayerling, Alan Smithee.
And now without further ado and fanfare…
Welcome To The Mercado Lounge
Being a nonsectarian institution, we eschew Sunday church schedules and never close our doors, with the exception of holidays, illness, the circus being in town, ball games, laziness and court dates under indictment. Those seeking spiritual guidance may seek our Chaplain who is a Reformed Maidenformist and worships at the Altar of Mamie Van Doren.
______________________________________________a Find the Film visual brain teaser The object of this puzzle is easy. Simply identify the title of the film from which each of the following sixteen images came from. The staff of The Mercado Lounge are not liable for any injury you may sustain while attempting to solve the puzzle.
Image One:Image Two: Image Three: Image Four: Image Five: Image Six: Image Seven: Image Eight: Image Nine: Image Ten: Image Eleven: Image Twelve: Image Thirteen: Image Fourteen: Image Fifteen: Image Sixteen: FIN PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS
The Mercado Lounge is a non-profit organization, not by choice, it’s just that we’re very lousy at accounting and are still actively pursuing a CPA named Phil somewhere in the Caribbean Islands as we speak. Still, the staff is a civic minded bunch and as such we present these helpful, and court-ordered, announcements for your perusal. We hope they will not only enhance your stay but also keep those pesky inspectors away who failed to notice on their last kitchen inspection that odd…well, never mind. To better serve our patrons we have engaged the services of a nationally recognized polling organization at great financial expense (let’s just hope they don’t try to cash the check too soon) which will assist in accessing your critical needs and finding the best way to accommodate them to the fullest. We are happy to announce the polling results [see below]:
“5 out of 6″?? Now, not that we want to get picky or anything, but there seems to be a fly in the ointment here and just what is it that you greedy, ungrateful, selfish little———-
The Mercado Lounge is grateful for the participation of all of it’s patrons. Thank you – the Management
ALERT! FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: this just in
The Mercado Lounge in cooperation with the Film Studies Program at Smarterin U., have joined forces to initiate a series of instructional seminars on the proper way to effectively communicate through Critical blogs, thinking and calculating service tips. The program, entitled “The C.F.U. Mentaling Programme” is designed specifically for
those who don’t realize they have nothing to say but should say it anyway- and as floridly as possible- and lack direction in their Critical Thought process, which is good because we’ll tell you exactly how to think, how to express what you’re not thinking and how not to think about what you’re not thinking about but do it with pride and self-respect.
With “The C.F.U. Mentaling Programme” you’ll soon be the whiz kid on the block, writing arcane, trivial blogs to the amusement of yourself and the ire of many. We’ll teach you that research is an elitist term for “sucker” and that there is no useless detail which does not require the creation of a twelve-part series.
You’ll learn that criticism of your work is merely a form of jealousy. Remember, not everyone can write 30,000 words on “Post-World War II Movie Cufflinks and Their Importance to Pre-Civil Rights Cultural Inclusion”. With
our Mentaling Programme, you’ll find that hesitation and editorial judgment are crutches for the weak, and the only self-awareness that is important is the awareness that your self with respect to self-respect is aware that that’s the most you’re going to get, with all due respect.
Already, many of the participants of our earlier trial instructional seminars are actively engaged in the high profile field of publishing- reading as many free magazines and newspapers they can absorb before being ejected by “jealous” café baristas.
Some of the topics covered in the seminars include:
* Substance Abuse- a study on how “substance” is an abused, overused option in elitist writing.
*Deconstructing syntax & punctuation as an inconvenient suggestion.
*Winning Respect Thru Intimidation.
*Deflecting Jealous Criticism, with Advanced exercises in Synchronized Eye Rolling and Impatient Exhalations.
*Sleep learning and the newest techniques in Sleep Writing.
*Enough Already!: Is There Really a Good Reason to Have to Remember All of Those Vowels?
Why keep saying, “I could of”, when you could be saying, “I did of”? Take a seminar today and let everyone see you’re really more “Mental” than they even suspected. Ask a Lounge staff member for an application now!
CRITICAL FAILURES UNITE!
JOIN “THE C.F.U. MENTALING PROGRAMME” TODAY!
STOP! BEFORE YOU TAKE ANOTHER STEP…
The Mercado Lounge invites you to take a simple test that will determine your suitability for “special patron” status. Simply place the tips of your index fingers in the indicated circles below and watch the film in the center rectangle:Thank you for your participation. We will let you know if the results meet our standards. You will now forget you’ve never taken this test.
__________________________ -sponsored by The Parallax Corporation__
The Mercado Lounge Complaint Dept.Here at The Mercado Lounge we are sensitive to the complaints of our patrons. If there is anything at any time that displeases you about the services and amenities of this facility, please let us know. Simply follow the following protocol for our Complaints Dept. so we may attend to your concerns in as expedient a manner as possible. Protocol for the Filing of Complaints: Why don’t you just go away and leave us alone? guns do the speaking for them, when in fact some of the choicest of Western dialogue comes from these same Men of Iron who can shoot off a quip as well as a bullet at a moment’s notice. Following are eight quotes from notable Westerns, each the line of dialogue spoken by the character before the shooting starts. See if you can identify the actor who said the lines and the films they spoke them in.
1. “Deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it.”2. “Now that you’ve called me by name?”
3. “I’ve heard that you’re a low-down Yankee liar.”
5. “Call it professional courtesy.” 6. “If they move, kill ’em!”
7. “Go on home to your kids, Herb.”
8. “Ride on.”_________________________________________________________ ENJOY A MATINEE MOVIE APPETIZER BEFORE YOUR MAIN COURSE
Nothing beat the excitement of going to the Saturday Matinee movie, where for a mere two-bits you would be bombarded with cartoons, short subjects, perhaps a serial chapter and if you were very lucky, a double-feature bill with such exotic treasures as “Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter” and “Billy the Kid Vs. Dracula”, all brought to you in somewhat grainy but vivid color and cranked up loud enough to hear over the excited buzz of an auditorium full of Cola sated, Sugar Daddy infused kids just waiting for the rise of the next full moon or the next masked bad guy plunging the hero and heroine into the dangerous perils of his nefarious enterprises. Relive just a tiny taste of those days here. Choose from a yummy assortment of cartoon and spook show clips that will surely whet your appetite for the days of oversized buckets of popcorn, Milk Duds, outsmarting power crazed teenage ushers who liked nothing better than to catch you in a “feet on the seat” infraction that labelled you a social pariah for days, singing cowboys and pesky mummies chasing young Hollywood starlets.
THE WHINE LIST
Thumbsucking: A definitive history of Ebertism and the evolution of the thumb as a substitution for critical clarity.
A fizzy discussion on French actor Gerard Depardieu, and how one may be loutish, ill-bred, possessed of a Cyrano-worthy honker and be of a heft that would generate it’s own tidal pull, yet still be regarded as a romantic charmer. Additional seminars on opthalmic disssociation in European women are included at no additional charge.
Bubbly Scandal: A definitive study of the classic Ealing comedies with particular emphasis on robbery, murder, thumbing of noses and heinous but hilarious skullduggery all done while maintaining a stiff upper lip and a rigorous devotion to afternoon Teas. Field trips will include, the Tower of London and , dredging the Thames for fashionable corpses and a blind taste testing of several varieties of scones. Interested parties are expected to bring their own gravedigging spades and SWAG satchels.
THE MERCADO LOUNGE FINALLYEXPANDED! VISIT OUR EAST WING TO EXPERIENCE THE JOY, RAPTURE AND ODD CHAFING SENSATIONS THAT ONLY A VISIT TO THE MERCADO LOUNGE CAN BRING. IT’S JUST A CLICK AWAY. SO JOIN THE CELEBRATION!