What the Peeper Saw: “What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?” (1970)

          “What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?”  (1970)

          Alan Funt’s “What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?” begins with whatdoyousaytoanakedladyOSthe noted television Peeping Tom/provocateur fiddling with his surveillance equipment with the dedicated solemnity of a senior member of the Stasi. If moving from the boob tube to the boob screen is meant to signal an elevation of serious purpose to Funt’s signatory hidden camera hijinks, this intention comes under withering scrutiny both in the form of the naked triviality of ideas related in the opening salvo of “Candid Camera” situations, and, more explicitly, in the heated excoriation of the film’s content by an elder member of a focus group whose purpose appears to provide further surreptitiously recorded discomfort (Funt’s stock in trade) as they view the same footage as the paying theatrical patron.

    This ill-considered film within a film conception backfires violently with an initial unrelenting salvo of accusations of promoting rank vulgarity directly aimed at the nominally flippant exploiter of other’s public embarrassment who, in turn, responds with little more than flippant foot stomping. These commentative sessions are…

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/now-playing-at-the-mercado-cinema/

Posted in movie reviews, Movies, Reviews, sex, Television, women | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Alone Again, Unnaturally: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Apr. 2020 Edition, Vol. 4077

Alone Again, Unnaturally:  Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Apr. 2020 Edition, Vol. 4077

Emerging from a self-imposed exile just in time to notice that the rest of the world seems to have cribbed our idea for a temporary avoidance of socialization (there would be a pending lawsuit for violation of intellectual property except that China is involved and we know that quarantined ship has sailed far too many times for comfort), we here at CSR have decided to be a world leader (since the example set by the Center for Disease Confusion appears incapable of explaining as to just what useful preparatory and preventative measures they’ve spent billions of dollars and supposedly dedicated decades of study on except possibly in renting several copies of  “Outbreak”) in the administration of the correct employment of social distancing for fun and profit. (We have been lauded as pioneers in ignoring Vermont for years.) Just consider that the marshaling of all the collected knowledge and wisdom of global governments and medical experts being reduced to a simple “don’t go near your neighbor”, while we’ve been doing exactly that that for years and but have unjustly been regarded as “effete snobs” (thank you Spiro Agnew) for our efforts. With this bit of skewered social engineering in mind we present this month’s edition-  and return of  -America’s most antiseptic source of brain mold, the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, brought to you, as always, by the distributors of SKITTLES, America’s favorite breakfast candy. In this edition, we consider the humble occasion of solitary confinement as documented in the motion picture (sort of like sitting in one of the empty movie houses dotting the globe, only without the rodents and the prerequisite gummy floors). Your task (and remember, a task is as good as a sucker bet… whatever, we’re film critics, not theologians) is to correctly identify the twenty five images and the titles of the films they are sourced from (nice try Butch, but just acknowledging there are twenty five pictures doesn’t win any bouquets). The first to correctly identify all twenty five will receive the 99.9% germ free CSR Culture Shock Award. Good luck.


Posted in books, Boston, British films, China, Cold War, crime, Drive-In Movies, horror, Movies, Mystery, war movies, women, writing | 3 Comments

Battle Fatigue: “Le prigioniere dell’isola del diavolo” (1962)

       “Le prigioniere dell’isola del diavolo” (1962)

        The mere mention of a film inclusive of the women in the spurious genre of prison films usually conjures salacious images of graciously exploitative shower scenes, jailhouse togs strategically rended, if not altogether shredded and discarded, during furious bouts of inter-cell block catfighting and leering, sadistic wardens (or conveniently interchangeable lesbian matrons) abusing the most curvaceous inmates with openly symbolic phallic batons.

    Rebuking the entirety of these most predictable genre tropes , “Le prigioniere dell’isola del diavolo” (aka, “Women of Devil’s Island”) dispenses with the lurid tone of this generally disreputable genre by substituting a narrative frustratingly absent of invention (exploitative or otherwise), presented in such a languid fashion as to make the viewer share the sensation of endless confinement. 

    Political prisoner Martine Foucher (Michèle Mercier) is among dozens of  similarly elegantly costumed female murderers, thieves and prostitutes being shipped to the notorious penal colony where the genuine purpose of the ladies’ sentences is in their forced usefulness in panning for gold. Upon arrival, Martine searches for her sister Jeanette (Federica Ranchi) who has preceded her in incarceration but finds her sibling denying her true identity, a mysterywomendevilsisland12 which will prove not only short-lived but irrelevant to the one genuine riddle posed by the film: just how do these women who labor in the swamp all day long continue to maintain an impressive level of cosmetic integrity as well as maintaining their often architecturally impressive hairstyles?  Perhaps the explanatory subplot concerning a cell block Avon representative had been left on the cutting room floor?

To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/cinema-italiano/

Posted in Italian cinema, Movies, Romance, women, writing | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Wrapping Up: “The Mummy” (1959)


PHARAOH GOT YOUR TONGUE?:  High priest Kharis (Christopher Lee) is ceremoniously given an Egyptian version of nip and tuck as a consequence of his sacrilegious romantic obsession toward the late Princess Ananka Terence Fisher’s “The Mummy”.

        “The Mummy”      (1959)

     Hammer Film’s 1959 revival of “The Mummy” (which inevitably means Terence Fisher’s 1959 revival  of “The Mummy”) forgoes the eponymous  character of the 1932 Karl Freund original as the sole antagonist and instead reduces the bandaged one to a reduced importance, adhering more to the conventions of the later 1940’s Universal Mummy films in which the wrapped menace is used primarily as a vehicle of destruction under the guidance of an external character with a grudge.

    Thus, in this ostensible Hammer Films reinvention rather than direct remake, the mantel of villainy once assumed by Boris Karloff’s resurrected Kharis has now been undertaken by the underrated George Patel which is fortunate as from authorial conception to finished performance it’s a dynamically rewarding meeting of role and actor; a fortuitous occasion which finds itself in a film in which the formulaic roles of both villainy and heroism are granted the benefit of the somewhat surprising approach of granting the nominal villain of the piece (or more correctly stated, the one who inhabits the traditional genre role of “bad guy”) as a not unmotivated defender of both faith and cultural sovereignty. 

     Jimmy Sangster’s screenplay is characteristically light on logic but surprisingly adept at wielding a sharpened stick of provocative editorial points which merit scrutiny for some unexpectedly rewarding, thematically antagonistic pleasures. His scenario wisely jettisons the reincarnation angle so tiresomely prevalent in spook shows, replacing mummy-59_o_GIFSoup.comthis additional supernatural baggage with a more acceptable (if suspiciously convenient) cosmetically coincidental resemblance which abandons the original’s eleventh hour spiritual collusion of the ingenue with the more tragic implications of eternal missed opportunities (which surface in the film’s most striking staged moment) that may lessen the “horror” angle but magnifies, ever so briefly, whatever scraps of human drama that emerge from an otherwise lackadaisical adherence to the rather pedestrian monster movie narrative formula which were the calling card and eventual creatively exhausted death knell of the Universal horror productions. 

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/matinees-at-the-franklin-cinema/

Posted in Movies | 2 Comments

Diplomatic Affairs: “Die lady” (1964)


“Die lady”  (1964) Starring Ingrid Thulin, Paul Hubschmid, Nikos Kourkoulos, Claudine Auger, Bernard Verley. Written by Peter Berneis. Directed by Han Albin & Peter Berneis. (aka “Games of Desire”) Ingrid Thulin stars as Nadine, the trophy wife to Elliot, a secretly homosexual Swedish ambassador to Greece, who finds herself embroiled in a love triangle which speedily escalates into a mating game suggestive of an unnecessary level of complication which is actually confusion resulting from an execution lacking in any appreciable understanding of coherent expository presentation. The film is also surprisingly tawdry in that phony pseudo-Vadim mode which advanced the notion that European films of the times were not only more deliberately provocative but sexually sophisticated than Hollywood product. However, deliberate sleaziness seldom equals maturity, only a kinship to the more honestly indulgent softcore sexploitation films that would adorn many a neighborhood movie house screen of dubious reputation in the 1960’s;  movies meant to satisfy indulgences in voyeuristic carnality without the intrusion of the pretense of Art. (Hollywood would have taken the same material and made a sex comedy starring Tony Curtis and Virna Lisi. The industry may have been notoriously skittish for decades about the subject of sex, but when they did embrace it it was usually with a sense of humor largely absent in European film outside of the Italians.) 

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/the-concession-stand-quick-snack-reviews/the-concession-stand-ii-the-return-of-the-quick-nibble-reviews/

Posted in Ingrid Thulin, movie reviews, Movies, psychiatry, Romance, sex, women, writing | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

Fear is the Key: “Machine Gun Kelly” (1958)



  “Machine Gun Kelly” (1958)

   Roger Corman directs this oddly unaffecting gangster film which while predictably short on accurate historic detail, curiously substitutes enough unconvincing. psychodrama to sabotage a dozen B-pictures.

     In chronicling the exaggerated myths surrounding the career arc of notorious Depression-era criminal George “Machine Gun” Kelly, Corman’s film packs his opening reels with as much violent mayhem as his impressively stretched meager budget can sustain, including several well crafted and tense robbery sequences and some less impressive (not to mention credibility straining) encounters with a perpetually irate caged mountain cat. If these initial salvos of antisocial mayhem promise a spirited celebration of the type of immorality to which the industry’s Production Code hypocritically condemned while Hollywood consistently enjoyed demonstrating its effortless capacity to produce, the authoritative hostility of  the title character is squashed by a sudden and unfortunately persistent insistence on undercutting his inveterate leadership resolve.

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/poverty-row/

Posted in biography, Charles Bronson, crime, History, Movies, Roger Corman, women, writing | Tagged | 1 Comment

Is That Snow Falling From The Sky Or Are You Just Glad to See Me?: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Dec. 2019 Edition,Vol. 6 – 12″

Is That Show Falling From The Sky Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Dec. 2019 Edition, Vol. 6 – 12″

Not a subscriber to climate change (we here at CSR much prefer the madcap humor of Bloomberg BusinessWeek), there seems to be little reason for the continuous panic every time there is an announcement of snowfall, sunshine, rain, cold or warm weather, when the true sign of the coming apocalypse is clearly any time TCM announces Elizabeth Taylor as the Star of the Month. The wintry anticipation of light and airy flakes falling from the sky is certainly preferable to every time ISRO shoots a lunar probe into the sky; an occasion which has us rushing to the CSR warehouse for our Skylab Debris Detection helmets. Still, there are those of our readers who are dedicated to the proposition that all atmospheric conspiracy theories are created equal, and with that remarkably shameless micro-thread of a segue in mind, we introduce this month’s edition of the National Weather Bureau’s favorite distraction on which to blame for conveniently missing that F-5 funnel headingfreefallgif straight for a source of unusually concentrated hot air in Chappaqua, the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, brought to you-  as always  -by those good folks who export SKITTLES, the favorite breakfast candy of Ukrainian Biden campaign workers. In this edition we salute those fun loving guys and gals (which should cover everyone, despite the protestations of certain members of Congress, the validity of whose educational credentials are under scrutiny as we speak) who deem to descend to the surface of the Earth in a manner unapproved by three out five major airlines (the exception being bratty kids with whom a quick exit is universally applauded), and that, of course, means a premature departure rudely interrupting the captain’s point of interest announcement as you are flying over a national landmark (“Ladies and gentlemen, if you would look to your right you will see that we are flying over Schiff Canyon, a vast depression from which no one has ever escaped.”). We, naturally, refer to the fine art of parachuting…. unless one forgets one’s gear in which case you just look foolish and will likely leave an unsightly stain on the landscape. The following twenty five images depict people falling or preparing to fall from the sky, often with great panache, but more often than not with an emergency need for Depends. Your mission, should you decide you have nothing better to do in life, is to correctly identify the twenty five films from which these stills have been lifted. The first to correctly identify all twenty five will receive the coveted and non-gravitationally challenged CSR Culture Shock Award, suitable for free drinks in the Captain’s Lounge at Minsk-2 in Belarus. Good luck.



Posted in black cinema, books, British films, Cold War, crime, Drive-In Movies, History, humor, Movies, Mystery, photography, politics, Romance | 2 Comments

Still Lives: “Kärlekens Krigare” (2009)

     “Kärlekens Krigare”  (2009)

    Simon Staho’s “Kärlekens Krigare” ( “Warriors of Love”) is an interesting  use of the limited regressive tools of filmmaking resulting by ignoring just over a century’s worth of accumulated advances in style and technological shortcutting whichwarriorsofloveOS have come to form the modern grammar of cinema.

    At times the film often seems in conscious defiance of the very term “motion picture” to predate all but the most elemental of building blocks of the cinema with its stubborn use of a fixed lens on a still subject; often a character stiffly posed to stare directly through the fourth wall and, except for minute facial muscular variations, remaining frozen in time as if enslaved by the extended exposure that was a prerequisite in the early photographic process. Rather than the continuous stimulus overload of a progressive visual narrative, in which the mind is captive to the onrush of often inconsequential but distracting information, Staho’s film moves at an appreciably measured pace allowing a full absorption and contemplation of the contents and ramifications of every scene and every hesitant utterance. With his method of filming “Kärlekens Kigare”, Staho not only bridges the gap between the aesthetics of still photography and the motion picture which accordingly alters the way in which the viewer perceives the material. The audience is encouraged to deeply observe with the intellect and not just to merely see.

  To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews,wordpress.com/cinema-scandinavia/

Posted in art house cinema, movie reviews, Movies, photography, Reviews, Romance, Swedish cinema, women, writing | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Bump in the Night: “Dracula Sucks” (1978)

NOT A CHILD’S BEDTIME STORY: Lovely Mina (Annette Haven) breathlessly recounts an episode of inappropriate nocturnal visitation in Phillip Marshak’s editorially inept “Dracula Sucks”.

           “Dracula Sucks”  (1978)

    If a similar exercise in post-“Blazing Saddles” era genre deconstruction by way of by way of a borscht belt savaging of genre tropes were to be inferred by as suggestively flippant a title as “Dracula Sucks” were anticipated, imagine the surprise of unwary patrons who instead of being treated to a comic edition of the usual blood and bosomsdraculasucksOS rendering of vampirism in the best Hammer tradition, encounter this sexually explicit version of Bram Stoker’s popular nocturnal boudoir crasher.

    However, if one were to infer that the introduction of a  more liberal level of carnality indicates an equal elevation of eroticism, “Dracula Sucks” is bound to disappoint for the same reason it offers tepid contribution to the already oversaturated bloodline of Transylvanian-based filmic progeny. The film borrows so liberally from the preceding self-replicating recreations of cinematic rather than the literary incarnation of the story that, at times, it seems as if its ultimate purpose is to act as a “Greatest Hits” tourist primer to every identifiable trope readily on hand for use in stale duplication by the unimaginative filmmaker. Similarly, rather than interpolating the explicit sexuality as a means to derive heretofore unexplored erotic shadings in the assaults on Victorian psychosexual propriety, the filmmakers are satisfied with a generic offering of sex scenes designed neither to illuminate character nor to advance the plot but simply act as regularly scheduled interruptions meant to distract from the alarmingly meager narrative. 

     Count Dracula (Jamie Gillis) and his two “brides” take up residence at the dilapidated Carfax Abbey, adjacent to Dr. Seward’s sanitarium. After a cursory happy hour introduction to all of the main characters, the Transylvanian begins a reign of terror that encompasses the staff, many of their loved ones and even some of the patients. The most prominent of the latter is Renfield (Richard Bulik) who, coincidentally, has succumbed to episodes of delusion following the disappearance of his father on a business rip to the Carpathian Mountains. Renfield is ceremonially enslaved by Dracula for no discernible reason for despite the madman’ assertions that he is essential to the success of the vampire’s activities, he actually contributes little to the proceedings save to provide a running source of irritation with his ceaseless impersonation of Dwight Frye’s sinister guttural laugh.

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/cinesinema/

Posted in Annette Haven, books, erotica, horror, Movies, Porno Chic, Romance, vampires, women, writing | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Chandler’s Trailers: “The Curse of the Jade Scorpion” (2001)

“The Curse of the Jade Scorpion”  (2001)  A veteran insurance investigator and a newly installed company efficiency expert trade barbs while they are unwittingly involved, due to post-hypnotic suggestions, in the very jewel robberies they themselves are investigating. With its richly textured palette of deep browns and burnished golds by Zhao Fei and impeccable production design by Santo Loquasto, Woody Allen’s “The Curse of the Jade Scorpion” is an aesthetic delight; the cinematographic love child of Gordon Willis and Natalie Kalmus. Unfortunately, the film is a talkie and as such the viewer cannot be sustained by a rich diet of visuals alone, but must be provided adequate textual sustenance, and to that end, the film’s scenario is an anemic affair in both wit and narrative invention. Conceptually, this is one of Allen’s most traditionally structured storylines as his comedies have a tendency to meander within a basic thematic premise while lacking the full development demanded of linear plot construction. However, in attempting a solid structural integrity of a Hawks-like farce, Allen’s fixation on perpetuating his own neurotic persona (despite the fact that it ill-suits the character he is playing) tends to stall the momentum of a plot desperate for sharp witted performances and lightning quick delivery. 

To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/chandlers-trailers-short-bits-for-emerging-cinephiles-and-a-better-america/

Posted in comedy, crime, Helen Hunt, movie reviews, Movies, Reviews, Romance, Woody Allen, writing | 1 Comment

Howl: “La lupa mannara” (1976)


LES YEUX SONT LE MIROIR DE L’AME: For a film to effectively convey an internalized descent into a personal hell is not an easy task. How fortunate for director Rino Di Silvestro that he needed to look no further than the haunted gaze of Annik Borel in her discomforting portrayal of a rape victim entombed in psychotic delusions for his otherwise tastelessly gratuitous “La luna mannara”.

  “La lupa mannara”  (1976)

     Lycanthropy becomes the subject of pathology rather than mythology in Rino Di Silvestro’s “La lupa mannara” (“Werewolf Woman”), a film that features an unsettling performance by Annik Borel as Daniela Neseri, a victim of teen rape who enters into adulthood with deep psychological scarring indelibly reinforced by the discovery of a horrid familial legend concerning an physically identical antecedent unceremoniously burned alive for being a murderous werewolf.

     If the film appears to begin as a standard, if uncommonly anatomically revealing horror film, these opening indulgences in the supernatural are merely the vehicle by which Daniela’s psychic obsessions are made manifest first as nightmares and later, as her grip on reality continues to erode, as delusional route markers on her path to total madness;  in the hallucinatory form of a her ancestral doppelgänger (also played by Borel, albeit with spotty hirsute applications and dreadful Silly Putty make-up).   

     Sneaking a peek at her visiting sister Elena (Dagmar Lassander) and her husband  carnally engaged, Daniela, inspired by delusions of lunar influence which acts to conflate her primal sexual urges and uncontrollable violent impulses, savagely murders her brother-in-law, lalupa243.jpgthough his wounds are improbably attributed to an accidental fall and dog bites. Unsuspected of the crime, Daniela’s psychiatric state is such that she is is placed in a mental hospital administered by the same doctor who confided to Daniels’s father, Count Neseri (Tino Carraro) with an inordinate  amount of nonsensical psychobabble meant to explain the rudimentary basis for all that is occurring in Daniela’s mind, though the miasma of oral diagnostic clutter affords as much impractical scientific value as that communicated on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. Daniela escapes, but not before being groped by and then killing the traditional resident nymphomaniac (consistent with the easy bake recipes of Italian horror films, mental hospitalslalupamannara44 are depicted as the most laxly managed institutions imaginable), then engaging in a bloody crime spree, critically injuring a doctor and slaying both a would-be rapist (this seems to be an alarming trend among the Italian male as depicted in this film) and an innocent farm girl who has just enjoyed a literal roll in the hay. Meanwhile, enter plodding Police Inspector Modica (Frederick Stafford, perfecting something one might identify as stolidly amused gravitas) who regularly updates the body count in an efficient but inconsequential manner which virtually guarantees he’ll always be ineffectively three steps behind the action.

  To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/cinema-italiano

Posted in crime, erotica, giallo, horror, Italian cinema, Movies, psychiatry, women, writing | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Chandler’s Trailers: “Down and Dirty Duck” (1974)

“Down and Dirty Duck”  (1974)  Buoyed by the financial success of Ralph Bakshi’s X-rated animated feature “Fritz the Cat”, several attempts were made to legitimize a solid commercial market for adult oriented animated features. Though certainly not as technically proficient as Bakshi’s film, Charles Swenson’s “Down and Dirty Duck” shows a far more imaginative use of animation in the surreal fluidity of its initial stream of consciousness salvo in which form is subject to corporeal transcience in the support of exaggerated absurdist humor. Enter a Feifferesque insurance adjuster (smartly portrayed without the slightest hint of tint in a vibrantly colored character universe) Willard Isenbaum; his Walter Mitty-ish fantasy life seeming to be stuck on the repeat button of paraphilia, transmogrifying reality into an imagined kaleidoscopic pageant of breasts, phalli and vulvae.

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/chandlers-trailers-short-bits-for-emerging-cinephiles-and-a-better-america/

Posted in animation, cartoons, comedy, humor, movie reviews, Movies, Reviews, writing | 1 Comment

If Only They Were This Good at Brexit

NEWS FLASH FROM ENGLAND: In an atmosphere of revelry rivaling that of both VE Day and anytime Kenneth Branagh leaves the country, the people of Beetley are celebrating the success of local Ollie owner and the only resident of the town to have personally flashed a rude gesture at Benjamin Disraeli, Grouchy Pete. in his landmark victory in cracking the Enigma Code that is the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz.

Brexit Stalls as Parliament Investigates Suspicious Security Breach From Beetley; Dog Will Testify

In a move that has stunned NATO and forced an admission from French President Emmanuel Macron that Parisians are indeed “annoying”, an ancient Beetley native known only by the alias Pete (which in the Welsh dialect means either “angry Rainman” or “Ollie’s burden” depending on how many whiskey shots you have consumed), has solved what has been called by prominent scholars at the ivy covered institution of academic shell games, Smarterin U., the modern day version of the Gordian Knot, by correctly identifying all twenty five films in the November 2019 edition of the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz. “Pete” (pictured, right) responded in classic style by calling for insurrection against those who control the weather and a large moose who he claims has been stalking his home during the evening. Locals are thrilled with the sudden notoriety, though when pressed to convey good tidings toward the now-famous curmudgeon neighbor, still wish for a well placed sinkhole.

Instructions to the winner:  to receive your well deserved CSR Culture shock Award, you may either (in a democracy, we give you a choice) download it by using the following link: https://chandlerswainreviews.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/csrcultureshockaward.gif    or by simply downloading the actual award and transferring it to your site. Interlopers and wannabe winners may be reminded that the award is registered and copyrighted (except in China where every intellectual property is fair game), and if found on an undeserving site, we will pursue and prosecute to the fullest extent of our prosecutorial energies (which means you’re in no danger). Congrats to Pete and to all a good night.

Posted in Movies | Tagged , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Going to the Chapel: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Nov. 2019 Edition, Vol. XXXI

SPARE THE SACRED DAGGER, SPOIL THE CHILD: If Jesus was gracious enough to die for our sins, the least you can expect of the modern rotten brat sons of soulless computer generation hillbillies (except for those in Vermont, who manage to be hillbillies without possessing any of the advanced degrees the metropolitan sophisticates have in the fine art of how-to-lose-your-identity-on-the-internet-by-squandering-all-of-your-privacy-for-a-chance-to-win-a-subscription-to-Mother-Earth-News-by-revealing-your-personal-information-to-a-teen-hacker-from-Macedonia) is to apologize for spitting grape juice on your freshly laundered albino white toy poodle.

Going to the Chapel:  Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Nov. 2019 Edition, Vol. XXXI

    This month’s offering comes with the dual purpose of pointing out the intellectual deficiencies of our readers (glad to do it) and to seek sanctuary from the incessant clutter of Big Indeterminate Gender Sibling political finger wagging aimed at my climatically fatal carbon footprint brought on by my insensitive toasting an English Muffin for breakfast. (Damn that Neville Chamberlain for his influential incursion on American eating habits!),  How was I to know that the mere act of heating something on which I might smear the red raspberry hemlock marmalade received as a gift from by a grateful CSR staff immediately following their annual performance reviews and subsequent denial of pay raises, might suddenly initiate a staggering chain of events involving a chapelgifCongressional call to arms (though only after an FBI background check and seven day waiting period) that has brought to fruition something called the Greenback New Deal in which the nation would defer from an the economy dependent on oil, coal, beef and pleasure into a more environmentally responsible society based solely on hamster wheels, indentured servant drawn rickshaws, fiddleheads and a mass desire for suicide as an alternative to enduring the publication of yet another fabulist “memoir” by that eminent and perpetual sore loser Hillary Clinton (a political version of direct-to-video trash if ever there were one)? Which brings us to this month’s edition of America’s most theologically obtuse brain teaser the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, brought to you this and every month by the distributors of SKITTLES, America’s favorite breakfast candy. In this edition we celebrate that time honored place offering sanctuary without the inconvenience of combative, smelly junkie homeless, fascist Antifa thugs and entitled illegal aliens: the church and its many manifestations in the cinema; be it an ever so humble chapel or a massive cathedral, the church has existed in film as a place of solace, comfort and the occasional fraternal hijinks. The following twenty five images represent activities taking place within church walls within the wall of the equally humble (with good reason) movie theatre (there’s that Brit influence again). Your task is to identify all twenty five films, and not merely to show off your mental prowess (yeah, right), but to obtain a shiny new copy of the CSR Culture Shock Award, which will be awarded to the first reader capable of solving this visual bit o’ toffee, Guv’Nah (what?). Good luck.

01)chapel102) 03)04)05)06)07)08)chapel2909)10)11) 12)13)14)15)16)17)18)19)20)chapel2821)22)23)24)25)

Posted in Alfred Hitchcock, animation, art house cinema, books, British films, History, humor, Movies, politics, religion, writing | 4 Comments

Chandler’s Trailers: “Don’t Breathe” (2016)

dontbreathe“Don’t Breathe”  (2016)  Yet another example of Skinner Box cinema, presenting an unremarkable event, in this instance a case of home invasion by a trio of thrill seekers, which spirals into a nightmare intended precisely for the audience to enjoy the sensation of compassionless cattle prodding. “Don’t Breathe” heightens the usual stalk-and-slay formula by presenting antagonists who are equally reprehensible and thus laying no foundation for empathetic association, with the resulting narrative unfolding as an endurance test in that the only emotion left for the audience to experience is a hunger for the prolonging of suffering. The viewer is encouraged to see through the eyes of monsters; it’s what the film is specifically designed to do.

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/chandlers-trailers-short-bits-for-emerging-cinephiles-and-a-better-america/


Posted in crime, horror, Movies, Reviews, writing | 2 Comments

Curiouser and Curiouser: “The Curious Female” (1970)

         “The Curious Female”    (1970)

    One might be sympathetic to the exploitation filmmaker who deems that gratuitous sex and nudity alone is insufficient to realize any but the most base of creative intentions and certainly sincere creative ambition is never something to sneeze at in the cinema, but Paul Rapp’s “The Curious Female” is so overstuffed with unnecessary characters and thready plotting that it’s a certainty that little or nothing will emerge from the resultant miasma that will make an impression. Or sense.

     Ostensibly a SF vehicle, this too is a confused feint, as these elements are only the cosmetic trappings of the wraparound story which takes place in yet another version of a distant dystopian future, though the nature of the film’s computer controlled society makes so little sense that the details explained by the opening narration are entirely contradicted in the first the minutes of the narrative and find further refutation in the featured “underground” film (a supposed cultural remnant from 1969 entitled “The Three Virgins”, which also accounts for the bulk of the running time of “The Curious Female”, got that?) by a clandestine orgiastic conclave of polyamorous celebrants whose subversive defiance of the totalitarian state is to watch morally enlightened sexploitation films (an oxymoron if ever there were one). While both the film and the film within the film (got that?) occasionally assert an intended sense of humor (though repeatedly extinguished with truly ugly episodes of attempted rape and later marital rape), there is never a noticeable awareness of the irony present in which a State edict which instructs its citizens to  sleep with everyone you want and as often as possible is defied by people whose discontent is expressed by sleeping around with everyone you want and as often as possible.

 To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/sticky-floors-stained-screens-days-nights-at-the-grindhouse/

Posted in erotica, Film Reviews, grindhouse, movie reviews, Movies, Reviews, science fiction, sex, Sex in Cinema, women | Tagged | 2 Comments

Look What They Done to My War, Ma: “F.T.A.” (1972)

        “F.T.A.”  (1972)

     In Michael Wadleigh’s celebrated 1970 documentary “Woodstock”, the myth of the purity of Sixties radicalism takes a sharp stick in the eye when the cumulative evidence reveals that rather than the three day music festival energizing the youth culture with an enlightened revolutionary fervor centered on opposition to the Vietnam War, the bulk of the attendees’ attention seemed reprioritized to the more immediately rewarding search for appropriately modest places to evacuate their bladders. Meanwhile, Country Joe McDonald scolds the largely somnolent audience to lift themselves from their torpor and participate in an antiwar activity as undemanding a demonstration of political solidarity as possible-  a sing-along  -with the noncommittal response seeming to be a result of cognitive benumbing through chemistry or simply distracted adolescence; neither of which is particularly characteristic of action born of deep rooted radical activism  His is a rather dispirited call to revolutionary defiance that is met with glazed eyes and mud caked somnambulism.

    A different form of activist dishonesty is on display in Francine Parker’s “F.T.A.”, a film documenting a satiric vaudeville troupe on what was called the Free The Army tour, a type of anti-USO show; not designed to provide entertainment to the troops as much as the indoctrination of additional disharmony among the ranks of the already situationally disgruntled. Armed with equalFTA2 parts sophomoric glibness and celebrity vanity, the skits comprising the revue aim low and still miss the mark, unassisted by the unrelenting (and unmerited) smugness projected by Donald Sutherland and the faux-fawning Kewpie Doll persona affected by Jane Fonda as a substitution for ability in sketch comedy, though in her defense there is little the most able of comic talents could have done with the gratingly unfunny material (though to weaken her alibi, both she and Sutherland are accused, along with seven other abettors, of the writing). It plays like a suggestion for a show passed around the living room during a cocktail party with each each contribution seeming more hilarious as the passed bottle empties.

    To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/remembrance-of-films-forgotten/

Posted in Documentaries, Jane Fonda, movie reviews, Movies, music, politics, Vietnam, writing | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Cold as Ice: “The Frozen Dead” (1966)


WILL SOMEONE PLEASE PASS THE STRUDEL?: Life is replete with all manner of awkward mobility issues especially when one is reduced to a severed head, as discovered by a particularly vexed young lady in the Herbert J. Leder’s mad-Nazi-science-on-the-loose picture, “The Frozen Dead”.

                 “The Frozen Dead”  (1966)

     If one were take Hollywood’s version of history at face value, Germany’s defeat in World War II had little to do with the strangulation of resources and manpower by an encircling Allied Army or the depletion of men and arms stalemated on the Russian Front, but in the High Command’s sudden abandonment of a traditional war effort in favor of a diverse program of Lionel Atwill-inspired mad scientist schemes designed to resurrect the Reich decades in the future and achieve world dominance through the use of chemistry sets and noisy Tesla coils.

    “The Frozen Dead” perpetuates this loopy tradition in which nonsense science-based Nazi wish fulfillment is given a dedicated champion in the form of Dana Andrews whose Dr. Norberg, though regarded by his sore loser Aryan peers as the Clarence Birdseye of quick frozen Hitlerian fanatics, is experiencing frustration in his inability to initiate a successful defrosting process which doesn’t leave his subjects either dead or nightmarishly crippled by becoming mentally frozen at a specific memory point in time, which they mechanically replay ad infinitum; thus, one unceasingly combs his hair, while another childishly weeps over a remembered loss, while yet another endlessly bounces an invisible rubber ball. Dr. Norberg’s similarly revived and mentally impeded brother (played by Edward Fox) is consumed violence, or so we’re told, although he appears the calmest  of the experiment’s failed subjects for much of the film. However, it is Norberg’s assistant Karl Essen (Alan Tilvern) who clumsily sets off a chain of events which will ultimately result in the death and experimental decapitation of Elsa (Kathleen Breck), a friend of  Norberg’s niece, Jean (Anna Palk).

To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/nights-at-the-st-george-theater/

Posted in Drive-In Movies, horror, movie reviews, Movies, Reviews, science fiction, women, World War II, writing | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Undercovers: “The Ganja Express” (1978)

      “The Ganja Express”  (1978)

    Three men pretending to be actors play at being Federal agents who manage to confuse the most fundamental of plans: that is to say they are planning to pursue a drug smuggling ring. which, it turns out, is run by a sleazy nightclub owner. This same illicit entrepreneur has a confederate  within the same investigative agency, all of which is openly revealed immediately in the film, leaving little opportunity for the casual accumulation of details-  the thing regular patrons of movies refer to as a plot  -to occur in the film. With little dedication to the narrative form, the filmmakers compensate for the vaporous nature of their scenario by including a large number of unrelated sexual encounters including one truly bizarre toga party trapeze consummation and a soberly performed fireside lesbian tryst made unintentionally hilarious by presence of the most clamorous crackling fireplace inferno ever committed to film. “The French Connection” this ain’t.

   To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/cinesinema/


Posted in crime, erotica, grindhouse, Movies, Porno Chic, sex, Sex in Cinema, writing | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Mud: “X the Unknown” (1956)

FIDDLING WHILE SCOTLAND BURNS: Scientist Dr. Adam Royston (Dean Jagger) distracts Britain’s first defense against an atomic menace with fanciful theories while a mysterious entity is allowed to roam unchecked and ravage the countryside in “X the Unknown”.  

          “X the Unknown”  (1956)

     For those interested in genre filmmaking, it is important to remember that in monster movies the world seems to be populated by citizens paralyzed with fright so intense it inevitably leads to a hideous demise rather than their simply turning about and fleeing to safety. Nothing benefits a monster’s predilection  toward mayhem (nor an unimaginative script) like obligingly stupid humans.

    During a routine military radiation detection training exercise, a mysterious fissure opens resulting in both death and injury by way of radiation burns. Atomic research scientist Dr. Adam Royston (Dean Jagger, who makes for a rather dull protagonist with an emotionally disengaged performance) is summoned to assist in investigating, interrupting his secretive experiments which, coincidentally, will later figure significantly in dealing with the menace.

    For the better part of “X the Unknown”, director Leslie Norman refrains from any view of the amorphous creature from the Earth’s core which has inconveniently emerged through a surface fissure and is stalking the Scottish countryside in search of radioactive refreshment. This well considered reticence benefits the film immensely as long as the focus of the story is on building mystery, which the director and his able cinematographer  Gerald Gibbs handle with a sober, unshowy hand, thought one of their more atmospherically staged sequences-  a terrified boy walking through a woodland pregnant with initially imagined danger  -is sabotaged by the furious scoring of the usually reliable James Bernard; a musical cue so  breathlessly hyperactive it suggests the composer may have been temporarily confused that his assignment was to underscore a “Carry On” parody.

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/hammer-time/

Posted in British films, Drive-In Movies, Hammer films, horror, movie reviews, Movies, Reviews, science fiction, writing | Tagged | 1 Comment

“That’s Where the Money Is”: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Oct. 2019 Edition, Vol. 2%


WHERE’S THE NIGHT DEPOSIT SLOT?: If you open an account at Fort Knox, do you receive a promotional toaster? Just one of the many questions you’ll never get an answer to in this month’s edition of the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz.

“That’s Where the Money Is”:  Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Oct. 2019 Edition, Vol. 2%

Consistent with our desire to occasionally present what might be leniently considered a public service in order to maintain a favorable tax status and to fool WordPress into thinking this site is anything but an obvious candidate for immediate expulsion for the good of society at large (unless, of course, we name names-  in essence become a whistle blower  -which we can assure all guilty parties we would never do, not due any inherent code of honor, but merely due to the fact that we don’t care enough to pay attention and notice who you are anyway), we present this very special (not really, although souvenir programs are available for purchase in the lobby) edition of America’s favorite monthly bipartisan cerebral slugfest, the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, brought to you by those fine folks who bring you SKITTLES, America’s favorite breakfast candy which has also been recommended by 3 out of 4 doctors as a safe and effective substitution for vaping. In this edition, we look at the logic of Willie Sutton’s comment as to why he robs banks and its application in the world of cinema. The following twenty five images reflect Hollywood’s hearty obsession with financial success without the bothersome need for legitimate effort and remuneration through that time honored tradition of bank robbery. (This same formula might also apply in the film depiction of lawyers and politicians, but even CSR has some standards not to endorse repulsive materials.) While CSR certainly doesn’t endorse the premature withdrawal of a bank account you’ve yet to open, we always enjoy indulging in exposing the industry of hypocrite moral watchdogs wallowing in the production of material which promotes antisocial behavior (which, ironically- signals the need for more-  dare we say it?  -lawyers and politicians). ‘Tis a shifty business, but CSR is on top of it. In the meantime, your task, should you decide to accept it, is to correctly identify all twenty five films. The first to do so will receive the CSR Culture Shock Award, a trophy the equal of the Nobel Prize though having the advantage of the recipient not having to be breathed on by those pesky Swedes. Good luck.



Posted in art house cinema, books, Boston, British films, Canada, crime, film noir, Movies, Mystery, photography, westerns, writing | Tagged | 5 Comments

Domesticated On Arrival: “Devils of Darkness” (1965)

WHAT’S A NICE GIRL LIKE YOU DOING IN A COFFIN LIKE THIS?: Victim of an unfortunate supernatural interruption of her nuptials, lovely Gypsy girl Tania (Carole Gray) enjoys a brief respite before her resurrection into an eternity of undead mischief in “Devils of Darkness”

      “Devils of Darkness” (1965)

    Lance Comfort’s “Devils of Darkness” is a strange amalgam of vampirism and Satanic cult worshipping, both staples of post-Hammer British horror films, though here combined in an awkward brew which appears to regard the combining of disparate genre elements as an evolutionary step rather than an attempt to disguise tropes which have become fatigued through overuse.

    This colorful production has all of the earmarks of Hammer productions which have done much to advance the odd suggestion that contemporary citizens of England are perpetually engaged in a constant struggle against the pernicious influence of continental European nations who have somehow become locked in the traditions of sixteenth century ritual barbarism. 

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/chandler-swain-reviews-drive-in-cinema-2/

Posted in British films, Drive-In Movies, Hammer films, horror, movie reviews, Movies, vampires, writing | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

The Spy Who Confused Me: “Superseven chiama Cairo” (1965)



BATHING, BUBBLES, TOIL AND TROUBLES: Just how would a spy rushing to save the Free World operate efficiently without a beauty (in this case, the delectable Rosalba Neri) emerging from a bath? Fortunately, in Umberto Lenzi’s James Bond knock-off “Superseven chiama Cairo” such an unthinkable scenario is ignored in the interest of the furtherance of presenting nonsense as popular escapist entertainment.

    “Superseven chiama Cairo”  (1965)

    If imitation were genuinely the sincerest form of flattery, then Ian Fleming’s most popular creation would have merited the author the Nobel Prize for Literature. As it stands, what is entertaining in an original incarnation tends to lose its vitality through the lack of necessity of bringing the fullest creative juices to bear when the task is merely slavish reproduction. As a paper tracing of Manet’s Le Déjeuner sur l’herbe might have a shadowy resemblance to the original but without the finished artistry of the oil on canvas, so too does this imitation James Bond adventure aspire to anything more than a counterfeit reminder of the genuine article.

   Umberto Lenzi’s  “Superseven chiama Cairo”, which introduces his secret agent Martin Stevens, aka Superseven, finds its obvious inspiration in the commercial success of the 007 series, and to a point it is faithful in including those elements which are easily replicated without the necessary style or craftsmanship to which the Bond franchise, up to that point, had become recognized: the global location hopping to picturesque backdrops; the constant supply of beddable shapely women, at least one of whom is an agent working for the forces of wrongdoing; and an archvillian whose modus operandi is to openly blab his plans to the hero while failing to dispatch him, necessitating a prolonged series of chases, recaptures and incidents of increasingly absurd endangerment. 

  To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/cinema-italiano/


Posted in books, crime, espionage, Eurospy movies, Italian cinema, Movies, Mystery, Romance, Rosalba Neri, writing | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Paying for Time: “Agony of Love” (1966)

WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON: In response to the plea of housewife turned prostitute Barbara Thompson (Pat Barrington) to “Do it. Do it. Hurt Me. Dirty Me”, a rumpled client brings her to climax with the unlikely technique of appearing to fall asleep mid-coitus in William Rotsler’s “Agony of Love”.

          “Agony of Love”  (1966)

  Think “Klute” without the nonsense murder plot or “Belle de jour” without the surrealist subtext and both made without a hint of artistry and you will probably see much that is recognizable in William Rotsler’s “Agony of Love”, the portrait of a prostitute in crisis which is also the story of a housewife who is a prostitute in crisis.

    Stuck in a loveless marriage, Barbara Thompson (Pat Barrington) finds solace in keeping a separate apartment in which she becomes a growing concern in the sex trade, luring clients there for an afternoon of mattress frolics in exchange for a fistful of cash. But rather than acting as a remedy for her feelings of emotional alienation, her activities  result only in silly amateurishly filmed dream sequences and subsequent trips to the local psychiatrist whose manner of analysis suggests a surrender to professional mockery. Barbara’s therapy sessions provide sparse insight with a long, long road traveled to arrive at such revelations as she is searching for love (One can’t help but suspect a great deal of bill padding is afoot.) nor does the film provide satisfying dramatic closure (if that is what one seeks in such a picture) with a nasty concluding twist that is so predictable and telegraphed so far ahead that surely the only people in the theater surprised at the developments would be be the characters onscreen (though it does explain the unconventional but promising noirish opening sequence to which the film elliptically returns, but with diminished results).

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/sticky-floors-stained-screens-days-nights-at-the-grindhouse/


Posted in erotica, grindhouse, Movies, psychiatry, sex, Sex in Cinema, women | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

What’s Love Got to Do With It?: “El gran amor del conde Drácula” (1973)


PROVING THERE ARE 1001 USES FOR A LETTER OPENER: Evidently saving his extended canines for more constructive uses, Dracula (Paul Naschy) nevertheless finds a way to extract a sample of the red stuff from the object of his desire (Haydee Politoff) in a bizarre and protracted series of rituals that provide the anticlimactic conclusion to “El gran amor del conde  Drácula” (“Count Dracula’s Great Love”).

        “El gran amor del conde Drácula” (1973)

    Popularly recognized by Euro Horror enthusiasts for his continuing role as lycanthrope Wademar Daninsky, Paul Naschy portrays an unexpectedly sentimental variation of cinema’s favorite vampire in “El gran amor del conde Drácula” (“Count Dracula’s Great Love”), a film which raises the bar for erotic content to a level that would cause the makers of Hammer Films’ bodice and bosom laden features blush in comparison and, significantly, is one of the rare films which delves deeply into the realm of lesbian vampirism without an appreciable claim to a conceptual influence markedly attributable to Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla. 

    A coach containing five travelers is disabled thereby necessitating their staying at the very abandoned sanitarium about which they had been discussing the ghoulish anecdotal history prior to their being cast afoot.. Occupied by a mysterious but kindly Dr.Wendell Marlow (Naschy) who just happens to have renovated a sufficient number of bed chambers to accommodate the stranded quintet, the travelers spend an inordinate amount of time in dreary small talk until the film relaxes into the vampiric domino principle which is its true destination. countdraculasgreatlove.jpg1.jpgif2The film is temporarily infused with a rush of energy as, with the exception of the virginal Karen (Haydee Politoff), the houseguests are summarily transmogrified into fanged nocturnal prowlers with the onset of a rash of exponentially increasing bloodletting.

    Up to this point Javier Aguirre’s direction has proven bloodless, both figuratively and literally, yet when the horror elements eventually kick in, he exhibits a perverse flair for stylish and sensual female-on-female vampire attacks; not the kind of thing that will significantly elevate a director’s status in the eyes of critics when one’s true calling seems limited to such a rarified specialty that may not be worth doing in the first place,  though it’s always preferable to see even the trivial executed with panache.

 To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/sticky-floors-stained-screens-days-nights-at-the-grindhouse/

Posted in books, grindhouse, horror, Movies, Romance, Spanish films, vampires, women, writing | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Performance Anxiety: “A Labor of Love” (1976)

BODY LANGUAGE IS EVERYTHING: Despite the announced explicit nature of the film within the film presented in Robert Flaxman and Daniel Goldman’s documentary “A Labor of Love”, the focus is not on the mechanics of sex but on the effect on those called to perform. 

        “A Labor of Love”  (1976)

     In the early 1970s, with the emergence of Porno Chic as a passport for the average moviegoer to casually experience that which heretofore had been the patron territory of the vaunted “raincoat crowd”, there was briefly an earnest question presented as to whether the “legitimate” commercial cinema might ever find occasion to meld with the newly prolific mirror industry whose efforts at dramatic replication were defined by thealaborofloveOS necessity of baring all and  Just how would “legitimate” thespians surrender to those performance demands consistent with those whose chosen trade is centered on sexual acts?

    Robert Flaxman and Daniel Goldman’s “A Labor of Love” is not an X-rated film per se, but a documentary about the making of one, or more exactly, the effort of a group of fledgling independent filmmakers in their efforts to produce one: “The Last Affair”, a low-budget independent which had the merciful virtue, by all evidence, of a rapid expiration date and path to instant obscurity save for any source of interest generated by this documentary.

    That in its conception “The Last Affair” was not planned as an “adult” feature, but rather as a prerequisite demand of its financial backers and that it was so easily adaptable into a porn film, should give some indication as to the pliably lurid nature of the material even at the incipient stage. Ostensibly a drama about alaboroflove77a woman desperate to have a child despite her husband’s sterility, the story of “The Last Affair” takes a bizarre turn when instead of consulting the normal courses of either adoption or third party reproduction, the wife employs the services of a house of male prostitution for the required zygotic progenitor. As it turns out, this decidedly uncommon approach to motherhood is directly the result of “Affair” director/writer Henri Charbakshi’s lifelong fascination with prostitutes; a creative fixation which will color his filmmaking effort with a discomforting air of depravity regardless of how many times a performer is prodded to work with the promise of the film they’re making is akin with the artistic traditions of Fellini, Bergman and Truffaut.

 To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/documentaries/

Posted in Documentaries, erotica, Film, movie reviews, Movies, photography, Porno Chic, Reviews, sex, Sex in Cinema, writing | Tagged | Leave a comment

Sometimes a Hero is Just a Sandwich: “Dick Barton, Special Agent” (1948)

“Dick Barton, Special Agent”  (1948)

    This first of three film productions attempting to replicate the zing of the popular Light BBC radio serial is more a product of creative corporate accounting than a legitimate attempt at producing a serviceable movie thriller, “Dick Barton, Special Agent” arrives on the big screen with a built-in popularity usually reserved for much more expensively sought literary bestsellers or hit theatrical properties. Produced quickly and cheaply, the film makes no pretense at artful or even minimal competency in the moviemaking process. Rather, the filmmakers seem entirely satisfied with aiming with what they obviously perceive as the less demanding tastes of juvenile matinee audiences and, indeed, the condescension shown toward their target demographic is appalling.

To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/hammer-time/

Posted in British films, comedy, crime, espionage, germ warfare, Hammer films, movie reviews, Movies, Mystery | Tagged , | 2 Comments

25 Pictures in Search of a Theme: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Sept. 2019 Edition, Vol. 133524.48

DIG OUR NEW DIGS: A sneak peak of the new executive offices at Chandler Swain Reviews.

25 Pictures in Search of a  Theme: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Sept. 2019 Edition, Vol. 133524.48s

    Since the inception of Chandler Swain Reviews, we have engaged in the constant struggle between the search for Art and depth in the cinematic form (even in its most primitive permutations to which the critical elite have always ignored as unworthy of serious attention while ignoring the fact that it is impossible to understand the total cinematic form without examining the flawed with a fervor equal to that afforded the easily lauded) and the acknowledgement of cheap populist amusement to which the form has almost completely surrendered, at least on the domestic theatrical release battlefront in which the average 16 screen multiplex will be featuring two animated and three comic book releases on any given day, leaving just enough screen space for the weekly torture porn, sleazy teen comedy or instantly disposable remake, while the truly innovative and ambitious films still being made (especially in foreign markets) are consigned to extensive analysis in the few print film journals of worth but absent from any accessible theatrical venues. Which bring us (in a completely awkward and ill-conceived segue) to a memorial farewell in the continuing erosion of film as a public art form: the closing of Manhattan’s Paris Cinema, the last of the single screen venues in the city. And speaking of the cultural dumbing down of America, we now present this month’s edition of America’s most wisely ignored but persistently published game of cerebral flummery, the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, brought to you this month, as always, by those fine smugglers of SKITTLES, America’s favorite breakfast candy. In this edition we continue the tradition of this rambling introduction by desperately searching for a coalescing theme. The following twenty five images have been swept up off the floor during our recent office renovation, which seemed a convenient way to put together this month’s edition without too much honest effort. (Our headquarters may be refurbished, but our work ethic hasn’t improved a whit.) Your task is to identify the twenty five films represented, and to let us know the results.(Otherwise, you’re just talking to yourself and that’s just sad.) The first to do so will receive the spanking new CSR Culture Shock Award, an honor second only to being musically mentioned as a monstrously unworthy suitor by that most dreaded of ex-girlfriends: Taylor Swift. Good luck.



Posted in biography, books, Boston, Cecil B. DeMille, comedy, History, horror, Movies, Mystery, photography, Romance, women, writing | 1 Comment

Love in a Fog: “The Divorce of Lady X” (1938)

Is There A Chill In The Room Or Are You just Indifferent To See Me?: Despite starring in a film which assiduously follows tried and true formulas of the screwball comedy, Merle Oberon and Laurence Olivier generate insufficient chemistry to enliven the mediocrity of material and execution that weighs down “The Divorce of Lady X”.

     “The Divorce of Lady X”  (1938)

    After a brief immersion in the London fog, the pastel carnival of colors assaulting the viewer’s eyes at the start of Ted Whelan’s “The Divorce of Lady X” is not unlike Dorothy’s later emergence from sepia toned Kansas to the hallucinogenic Munchkinland spectrum, except that in the case of this film the sudden visual onslaught actually distracts from thedivorceofladyxOS initial expository minutes and will prove an aesthetic weight from which the featherweight material of the comedy will prove insubstantial to justify.

    Nor is the success of the film assisted by that most curious of “Golden Age” cinema phenomena: the compromised attraction of the featured romantic coupling by far more interesting and accomplished supporting character actors; in this case, the charm deficient duo of self-assured socialite bulldozer Leslie Steele (Merle Oberon) and suitably flummoxed barrister Everard Logan (Laurence Olivier) is overshadowed by the delightful secondary (in credit ranking only) performances of Ralph Richardson,  Binnie Barnes,  Gertrude Musgrove and  Morton Selten.

    Stranded in a London hotel due to heavy fog, the patrons of a costume ball find themselves with a shortage of sleep worthy accommodations. After the aforementioned young barrister (Olivier) sternly refuses to surrender his spacious suite of rooms to a group of ladies, the aforementioned flighty socialite (Oberon) bullies her way into his bed and pajamas, all within the boundaries of good, chaste mischievousness, though both the mechanics of the plot and its execution are lacking both the sparkle of energy and invention to be found in the best screwball comedies.

To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/for-queen-and-country-the-british-cinema/

Posted in comedy, Laurence Olivier, London, movie remakes, Movies, music, Romance, theater, women, writing | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Death by Indifference: “Mr. Wong, Detective” (1938)

mrwongdetective5     “Mr. Wong, Detective”  (1938)

     The initial film incarnation of Hugh Wiley’s detective creation, first popularized in 1934 in Collier’s, “Mr. Wong Detective”, presents the stylish and erudite investigator in a mystery that is fairly unworthy of a master of deduction (sharp eyed viewers will solve the method of murder, if not the guilty party, fairly early in the story), though as a first chapter in what was intended as a continuous series of films featuring the title character, it does set up an amusing dynamic with Mr. Wong (Boris Karloff) effortlessly matching wits with his more acumen challenged compatriots on the police force, especially the easily excitable Captain Sam Street (Grant Withers). Street’s obvious overanxious recklessness to pin the blame on any convenient supporting player who happens to be in the room is the primary source of comic relief in an otherwise straightforward story of a mysterious chemical formula whose very existence leads to a series of unexplained deaths. Needless to say, the film easily falls prey to the contradictory but familiar trap recognizable in an astonishing number of mysteries, wherein despite the presence of a master sleuth, they are powerless to stop the bodies from piling to the ceiling. By the end of “Mr. Wong, Detective”, the solution of the killer’s rather ingeniously disguised identity is far less impressive when, in the interim, most of the likely suspects have themselves been fatally dispatched.

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/poverty-row/



Posted in books, Boris Karloff, crime, movie reviews, Movies, Mystery, short stories, writing | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Conduct Unbecoming: “The Night of the Generals” (1967)


WHO LET THE BRITS OUT?: Despite his witty, energetic performance, the casting of Omar Sharif as a prominent German officer has often been criticized for a lack of authenticity, yet the predominance of British gentlemen and ladies filling the ranks of the Reich is accepted as casually as when they are just as frequently cast as equally despotic figures of a comparable period of civilized barbarism: the Roman Empire. Is there something in British classical theatrical training which suggests their artists are ideally suited to represent ignoble patrician authority regardless of national origin? Certainly the unmistakable Irish lilt of a Peter O’Toole is a greater burden to Aryan credibility than Sharif’s exotic ethnicity?

       “The Night of the Generals”   (1967)

    The makers of any film based on Hans Hellmut Kirst’s 1962 novel The Night of the Generals face a formidable task in that the author indulges in an sizeable amount of strategically inserted future declarations of inculpatorynightofthegeneralsOS evidence; time jumps which needlessly strain a concision of exposition already burdened with a fractured tandem narrative. Confounding a linear  recounting of events, these interruptions, not only impart information which proves irrelevant to the resolution of the film’s central mystery but also induce the grinding fatigue of redundancy in that these expositional asides merely redress what has been or will be doggedly dramatized at an already excessive length.

    Unwisely, while not profoundly tinkering with the novel’s initially awkward modus operendi, the filmmakers have injudiciously abbreviated the narrative threads bearing the weight of the historical event which which provides both versions of the material their title. Additionally, while preserving the most trivial of evidentiary insertions, the absence of the most important of the novelistic devices-  a thematically encapsulating epilogue encompassing a philosophical polemic  -extinguishes the very point of the film’s fidelity to Kirst’s dual narrative, rendering the entire story meaningless.

    In his kaleidoscopic storyline, Kirst introduces an almost Tolstoyan density of characters assembled over two decades in several major locales, with the primary focus split between the June 20, 1944 plot to kill Adolf Hitler and the investigation of a series brutal wartime sex crimes in which prostitutes are savagely stabbed with particular attention given by the killer in mutilating the victim’s genitalia. Given the lurid nature of the crimes and the inherent decadent nature of one particular character, the novel never submits to easy prurience, and the film, to its credit, happily honors this reticence toward the gratuitous.

To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/nights-at-the-state-theater/

Posted in books, crime, History, movie reviews, Movies, Mystery, Peter O'Toole, World War II, writing | Tagged | 1 Comment

Firearms For Fun and Profit: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Aug. 2019 Edition, Vol. .38 Caliber

00000firearmsFirearms for Fun and Profit:  Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, Aug. 2019 Edition, Vol. .38 Caliber

    Let us consider, for a moment,  the strained logic inherent in the Constitutional inalienable right to be contrary, hypocritical and downright stupid in certain assertions of what defines responsible conduct (not to mention what you can get away with with the backing of several managers, press agents, paid lackeys and a studio more concerned with award season statues than legal statutes) in regards to the proper function, intentions and usage of firearms by private citizens as prescribed in the 2nd Amendment (heretofore referenced as the 2nd Suggestion) as depicted by that most public exemplar of ludicrous misconduct-  the pacifist Hollywood film industry  -who best demonstrate their persistence of gratuitous moral hypocrisy by prolifically producing cinema efforts aligned with that which is unquestionably their favorite genre form: How to Kill Your Fellow Man (or, to comply with local Oregonian pronoun ordinances: How to Kill Compatible Carbon-Based Life Forms). And with that introductory contempt we bring you yet another episode of America’s most misunderstood regularly scheduled source of harmful but effervescent propaganda, the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, brought to you during this and every other lunar phase by those wonderful folks who distribute SKITTLES, America’s favorite breakfast candy and most frequent substitute for American produced contraceptive pills exported over the Canadian border. In this edition we celebrate the unspoken but obvious secret fraternity between a publicly Guns & Ammo critical motion picture industry and their most advantaged recipient of what can only be described as fortuitous ancillary advertisement: the NRA (though not inclusive of former spokesperson Dana Loesch who lost considerable credibility when she began a campaign to force-feed America a steady diet freeze dried beet crystals). Each of the following twenty five images depicts Hollywood’s vision of civil society, pump action-style. Your task is to identify all twenty five images (correctly would be preferable) and let us know the results. (Otherwise, it’s a fruitless enterprise and will only lead to frustration and eventual insanity.) The first to correctly identify all twenty five images will receive the much discussed but banned in thirty two countries CSR Culture Shock Award. Good luck.


Posted in biography, books, Drive-In Movies, film noir, grindhouse, History, Movies, Musicals, Mystery, photography, westerns, women | 1 Comment

No Smoking in Bed: “Fuego” (1969)

IF YOU NEED SOME EXERCISE, MAY WE SUGGEST JUMPING JACKS?: Isabel Sarli portrays an insatiable sex addict in “Fuego”, a film that fails to stretch the Argentine sex symbol’s acting chops, as she seems to always play, alternately, either a nymphomaniac or a nymphomaniac prostitute.

      “Fuego”  (1969)  

     One may accuse the cinematic works of Argentine actor-director Armando Bo of many things, but subtlety is not probable to be high on the list of likely suspects. In the initial clumsily executed moments of “Fuego” we are introduced to the main characters via a casual case of exhibitionism, an amused example of ungentlemanly voyeurism and  a dash of furtive and hostile glances from a housekeeper suspiciously protective of her mistress for reasons obviously more personal than a mere devotion to domestic  professionalism. It is readily apparent from this blunt tableaux that whatever follows is intended as a hothouse of unrestrained hormonal exertions punctuated by as much exposure as possible of star Isabel Sarli’s already well-traveled flesh. To admit in any way that the film succeeds in its primitive intentions is to acknowledge that the purveyors of 42nd Street grindhouse bump and grind have been met in tepid global partnership with a bar that is set to such a depressingly low level of aesthetic competence that makes the output of Michael Findlay seem artistically composed by comparison.

    Sarli plays Laura, an overripe seductress whose atrocious fashion sense is boldly accented by the excessive eye make-up and towering hairstyles from later career Elizabeth Taylor embarrassments, and who, by convenient happenstance, suffers from the most childish exhibitions of public nymphomania one is likely to encounter in the adult cinema. (Her favored self-stimulative move involves rubbing her cheek against a lifted shoulder, resulting in an intensity of erogenous gratification so exaggerated one wonders what orgasmic ignition might result from slinging a purse over her shoulder?)

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/cinesinema/     




Posted in erotica, grindhouse, Movies, music, Reviews, Romance, women, writing | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Good Clean Fun: “Girls, Girls, Girls!” (1961)

GIRL POWER: In a surprising eleventh hour twist, three young beauties dare suggest that career success is entirely complementary with corresponding romantic attachment in Michael Winner’s unexpectedly breezy short subject “Girls, Girls, Girls!”.

       “Girls, Girls, Girls!”  (1961)

    “Girls, Girls, Girls!” (not to be confused with the next year’s Elvis Presley feature with the same title) announces itself with a sexy and stylish Pop Art title sequence suggestive of a rather saucy romantic romp, when in fact the film is a chaste but charming bit of fluff masquerading as a brief documentary recording the exploits of three young beauties and the remarkable ease with which they aspire to and attain career success in London. Their story, rather than being told with the institutional civil service gravitas commonplace in many “socially significant” instructional shorts of the 1950’s (films often leaden with a fidgety cautionary earnestness that renders the material, no matter how innocuous the subject, unintentionally comic), transpires with a breezy tone similar to that which one might associate with a Sandra Dee romantic comedy. This lighthearted, yet surprisingly informative (a great deal of information is imparted about such topics as photographic composition and lighting as well as creative cosmetic application) short might be deemed dismissively trivial save for early and interesting participatory credentials by an unlikely source of innocent amusement, writer-director Michael Winner, and future Bond Girl Tania Mallet.  

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/short-films-the-other-cinema/


Posted in British films, Documentaries, Helen Mirren, London, photography, short films, women | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Reserved Seating: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, July 2019 Edition, Vol. A7

Reserved Seating:  Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, July 2019 Edition, Vol. A7

    Movies are a funny business (Unless the studios are attempting a comedy, in which case Hollywood can be the most depressing place on Earth.) and the psychology of the American film industry has become rife with a wholly unhealthy self-delusion of its own permanence of stature in the Pantheon of Cultural Immortals. This is openly expressed in terms of an increasingly arrogant condescension with which the industry has reduced the (naturally, unwashed) public to mere convenient statistical figures predicting opening weekend box-office returns and, more importantly (to the health and well-being of Art), any related adjustments to their conglomerated corporate benefit bonus packages. The unspoken covenant by which Hollywood operated at the behest of its patron public was simplicity itself: provide solid, nurturing entertainment and they will come. However, it has become increasingly apparent that even fleeting thoughts of the need for genuine creative storytelling (or, as it is more explicitly identified in studio pre-production development memorandum: any screenplay draft preceding the double digit phase) are no no longer bound by such an archaic term as “literacy” in a world clearly (according to Tinseltown elites) populated by the genetic brethren of the Morlocks; an unsavory global mob, one step removed as the prime ingredient of Soylent Green. If coherence in storytelling has been expeditiously dismissed as a needless expenditure of billable conference hours in the process of separating the Ma and Pa Kettles populating the vast wasteland outside of the gated communities of the sound stage oligarchs from whatever dollars remain after their desperate binges into a seductive world of celebrity sponsored faux luxury (in which a Beverly Hills carny like Alyssa Milano is able to peddle a football jersey as a legitimate entry gate into a bizarro universe’s conception of haute couture, which explains only her unmerited  talentless ascendancy and not her continued political vacuity), then what emerged as the most important cultural Art form of the past century is summarily reduced to a high-concept Board of Directors version of Three-card Monte. All of which which brings us to this month’s version of America’s most reliable Intolerant Voice Against Illiteracy Tolerance, the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, brought to you, as always, by the makers of SKITTLES, America’s favorite breakfast candy. In this edition, we celebrate the audience. (Or, what the movie industry refers to as “marks”.) The following twenty five images each depict persons in the act of observing in that most curious of occupations that is usually described by theologians and practitioners of theoretical physics alike as being a member of the audience collective. You task is a simple one in theory, though in actual practice is probably as frustrating as  finding an all-you-can-eat buffet in North Korea: identify all twenty five films. Correctly. (Identifying all as being from “Caddyshack” may bring a sense of completion, but there are no participation ribbons awarded here, Chester.) The first to do so will receive the coveted (and slightly naughty) CSR Culture Shock Award. Good luck.


Posted in books, Boston, comedy, Drive-In Movies, History, Movies, Mystery, photography, politics, silent movies, Television, theater, women, writing | 3 Comments

Touch and Go: “He & She” (1970)

       “He & She”  (1970)

     Matt Cimber’s “He & She” is one of those cannily marketed pseudo-explicit features which skated by the diligently suspicious antennae of community standards by masquerading its exploitative intentions as an educationally enlightening seminar in “marital” heandshePOSlovemaking. (It was an attempt which fooled no one-  despite the rather absurd quotations from Dr. David Reuben and Ovid   -but it was rather quaint for them to give it a good old entrepreneurial try.) An unofficial follow-up to Cimber’s earlier “Man & Wife: An Educational Film For Married Adults”,  the film celebrates an asserted relaxing of taboos while disseminating the forbidden knowledge it so mock defiantly announces as essential to good societal health while simultaneously (and with more than a trace of ironic contradiction) informing the audience that such knowledge is only meant for consenting married couples. Clearly such noble intentions serve to give insufficient warning to those presumed clean living suburban couples who suddenly find themselves in the bowels of the urban grindhouse, to beware the man in the raincoat sitting behind them whose intentions are probably far less domestically altruistic.

    The film begins with an endless explanatory crawl which professes the film’s  intentions with the dedicated piety of a holy mission statement, followed by an indescribably arid lecture delivered by an unidentified man posing as a pompous academic (you know he’s to be taken seriously in the way he waves about his pipe) whose entireheandshegif2 spiel is latent with such confused and fraudulent information that, by comparison, makes the typical Ed Wood narration sound like a Nobel Prize acceptance speech. While this dusty codger wearily pontificates as much misinformation about sex as possible (The opening crawl has already defined foreplay as all sexual activity prior to orgasm.), he confidently asserts that “the imperatives of history now demand that the printed marriage manual of the past, helpful though they might have been, yield today to the motion picture marriage manual”, a declaration which just happens to benefit this film in particular with its suggestion of a built-in responsible and necessary societal benefit to the graphic depictions of hanky panky which comprise the greater bulk of the film.

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/sticky-floors-stained-screens-days-nights-at-the-grindhouse/

Posted in erotica, grindhouse, movie reviews, Movies, Romance, sex, women, writing | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Saturday in the Park: “The Running Jumping & Standing Still Film” (1959)

runningjumping1    “The Running Jumping & Standing Still Film” (1959)

    Seldom does an inaugural short effort display as assiduously prescient a blueprint of the emergent talent of a major artist as does the Richard Lester-directed  “The Running Jumping & Standing Still Film” (That is if indeed Lester can be reliably regarded as a major artist.), a brief but potent bit of surrealist whimsy that bridges the evolutionary gap between the radio antics of The Goon Show and the television (and later film incarnations) of the Monty Python troupe. However, it is in the early announcement of what will become the repetitive thematic imperatives which define the artistic voice in the Lester filmography that the film merits continued fascination and amusement.

    Shot on the quick in a public park on two weekend afternoons, from the outset, the film appears randomly incidental and without comprehensive purpose, yet is a cleverly surreal observational spoofing of the British fondness for leisure activity. Eschewing the traditional form of linear sketch comedy, “The Running Jumping & Standing Still Film” is comprised of a series of disconnected persons each engaged in errands of immediately uncomplimentary purpose, yet the structure of the film is such that there is created an elliptical overlap which although each activity is independent of the others,  frustrates the completion of each individual task. The nature of the comedy is engagingly absurdist in nature; with simple tasks made wholly improbable by a minute twist of logic: a charwoman scrubbing a grassy field; a violinist using a telescope to read the sheet music and then traveling by bicycle to turn the page; a portraitist whose subject’s face is helpfully mapped with a paint-by-numbers schematic.

  To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/short-films-the-other-cinema/

Posted in British films, comedy, movie sequels, Movies, Peter Sellers, Reviews, Richard Lester, short films, Spike Milligan, writing | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Bad Habits: “Change of Habit” (1969)

changeofhabit1       “CHANGE OF HABIT”     (1969)

     One of the disillusioning truths of the American film industry is its cavalier willingness to disregard genuine and unique talent in favor of convenient formulaic utilitarianism; a primary example being the rather woeful filmography of Elvis Presley,change_of_habit which reflects a distinctly consistent and painful misunderstanding of the performer’s stimulative appeal. If one’s intention is a continuous process of neutering the elemental characteristics of the performer’s persona which attracted the audience in the first place and shook the censorial establishment of the entertainment executive suite to its core, that personality then becomes subject to a plasticizing transformation, homogeneous to the widest demographic as seen through the calculating lens of Hollywood bean counters, but offers little substantive value to an audience hungry for a germ of rebelliousness. Upon making his debut on television’s “Ed Sullivan Show”, Elvis was filmed from that waist up, so that his gyrating pelvis would not inflame the hormonal balance of America’s youth as feared by the network censors and the watchdogs of decency (why have someone deemed indecent on the air in the first place?), and it is evident from the long, undistinguished roster of films featuring this prodigious but constricted star, that virtually all of his films have metaphorically shot him from the neck up. Who wants a “safe” Elvis?

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/now-playing-at-the-mercado-cinema/

Posted in Elvis Presley, Film Reviews, movie reviews, Movies, religion, Reviews, women, writing | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Silence for Dummies: “Silent Movie” (1976)

       “Silent Movie” (1976)

    Mel Brooks’ misplaced ascension as one of the giants of film comedy is brazenly exampled in this woefully constructed comedy of conceptual errors in which the brave artistic instincts of the director-writer-actor is accredited with a boldness of vision in summoning yet another movie parody after the  phenomenal box-office success of ” Blazing Saddles” and “Young Frankenstein”. In Hollywood, nothing proffers an excuse to grant a rapid rise to the pantheon of industry adulation like a keen eye on past successes and the balance sheet.

    Alcoholic has-been movie director Mel Funn (Mel Brooks) attempts to persuade the Big Studio Pictures’ Big Studio Chief (Sid Caesar) to produce his latest project: a silent movie. (The novelty of “Silent Movie” being that it is also  presented as a narrative told through intertitle cards.) Despite his initial hesitancy, the studio chief green lights the project, unleashing Funn and his sidekicks, Marty Eggs (Marty Feldman), Dom Bell (Dom DeLuise), on an unsuspecting Hollywood to attract big star talent to assure the project’s box-office success (a formula only Hollywood insiders irreversibly removed from reality would believe the popular audience is foolhardy enough to fall prey); all of whom enthusiastically agree to participate despite the cloddish behavior distinguishing Funn’s entreaties, and the fact that not one actor is given a clue as to the nature of the project. This prolonged casting of actors is laborious and without any comedic payoff; an exercise in wilting expectations, especially when not one of the “stars” commands a demonstrable talent for the type of physical eloquence required of a silent movie performer. Consuming the bulk of the film’s running time, this needlessly extended star search is merely a strange form of incestuous industry valentine in which the antiquated Hollywood notions of blind public adulation of movie celebrity is enough justification to excuse a series of blatant extended cameos in which the featured actors (Burt Reynolds, James Caan, Paul Newman, Liza Minnelli, Anne Bancroft) play themselves and are meant to be admired, not for any accomplishment within the context of the film, but simply for being movie stars.

To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/days-and-nights-at-the-chestnut-hill-cinemas/

Posted in comedy, Movies, music, Paul Newman, silent movies, writing | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Variety is the Spice of Life: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, June 2019 Edition, Vol. 57

Variety is the Spice of Life: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, June 2019 Edition, Vol. 57

    In keeping with the CSR tradition of taking an entire month to upgrade, update and perform a much needed Spring Cleaning on the site, regular readers may note with puzzlement that nothing has much changed since we have last published. Honestly, this is due to the fact that we’ve spent most of our off-time implementing a long gestating political plot (known in MI5 circles as “Codename: Ollie”) to harass certain disappointing global players through the surreptitious ordering of excessive amounts of pizza for the Breckland district and billing all deliveries to Number 10. (The history books, John Cleese and the stockholders at Domino’s Pizza, Inc. will thank us.) And with that in mind, we present this month’s edition of the EU’s favorite Brexit Party favor, the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, brought to you this month by the distributors of SKITTLES, America’s favorite breakfast candy, and by Typhoo, the preferred beverage of Parliamentary twits. In this edition, we celebrate the annual emptying of the archival dustbins with the presentation of a few pictorial odds and ends, meaninglessly strung together in an attempt to advance the illusion that we care about this silly diversion anymore. The following twenty five images reflect a selection of films that we find moderately interesting enough to include in this puzzle. Your task is to identify all twenty five films. No hints. No clues. The first to do so will be granted first rights of refusal to ownership of that most coveted of limited edition fireplace mantel knick knacks, the CSR Culture Shock Award. Good luck.

01)02)03)04)05)06)07)08)09)10)11)12)13)14)15)16)17)18)19) 20)21)22)23)24)25)

Posted in biography, books, comedy, History, horror, movie reviews, Movies, photography, Romance, sex, theater, women, writing | 8 Comments

Chandler’s Trailers: “Foreplay” (1975)

“Foreplay”  (1975) Considering the drastic flux occurring in the American cinema commensurate with both the so-called Sexual Revolution (which with the concurrent rise of the radical Women’s Lib movement made for some interesting paralyzing debates between the assertion of sexual freedom and the cultural application of said freedom as being a tool of my misogynistic institutional objectification) and the rapid emergence of its filmic black sheep progeny, “Porno Chic”, Hollywood filmmakers predictably but frustratingly tread lightly in the artistic water where a meaningful (or truly erotic) expression of human sexuality might emerge within the context of a dramatic (or even comedic) presentation. Faced with an industry of filmmakers (inclusive of the so-called American New Wave writers and directors, who would presumably not be subject to to any knee jerk trepidation born of sanitized career creativity under the Production Code) studied in the mentality of the subject of sex as something forbidden and morally aberrant, sexuality in the modern America cinema found representation as either gratuitous peek-a-boo exposures, or in exercises of tittering vulgarity. Curiously, these same cheaply exploitative and sexually  immature traits were the bread and butter of the sexploitation films of from the emergence of the nudie cutie to the presumed softcore precipice signaled by the rise of “Porno Chic”. These same depressing tendencies are prominently at work in the 1975 comedy “Foreplay”, a tripartite collection of sexually tinted humorous shorts intended to pronounce to the world that the dirty joke may no longer dead, but nevertheless is in desperate need of a mercy killing.

To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/chandlers-trailers-short-bits-for-emerging-cinephiles-and-a-better-america/


Posted in comedy, erotica, movie reviews, Movies, Porno Chic, sex, writing | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Chandler’s Trailers: “Keeping Up With the Joneses” (2016)


keepingup3“Keeping Up With the Joneses” (2016) A comedy which intermingles the movie-fed image of spies (i.e., those who carry on covert operations which seem to bring the greatest attention to themselves) with a Hollywood humorist’s vision of suburban America, “Keeping Up With the Joneses” is a film that doesn’t aim very high yet manages to waste every opportunity to achieve even the slight amusements that are its goal. From the first, the focal married suburban couple, Jeff and Karen Gaffney, are conceived as two nitwits perpetually in the midst of life as sketch comedy since their every interaction, no matter how private, seems intended to be played for the delivery of one-liners and tired slapstick. Unfortunately, as played by Zach Galifianakis and Isla Fisher, their characters begins at an almost  hysterically fumbling pitch (at no time do the pair ever resemble anything but two overwrought comic actors) and have nowhere to go except to a more elevated level of the obnoxious.

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/chandlers-trailers-short-bits-for-emerging-cinephiles-and-a-better-america/


Posted in comedy, espionage, Movies, Reviews, Romance, women, writing | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Stars Behind Bars: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, May 2019 Edition, Vol. 10 – 20

aaabarsStars Behind Bars: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, May 2019 Edition, Vol. 10 – 20

With the recent collegiate scandal involving several prominent Hollywood actresses doing their thespian best to convince a disgusted populace that their attempts to inflict their less than stellar progeny onto an unsuspecting graduating class of (as seen through Celebr-o-vision) garden variety commoners who just happened to actually apply themselves to the task of educational advancement was actually an act of academic altruism, it has become apparent that instead of enduring yet another installment of the favored perennial exercise in prevarication by the Democrat ruling class, which promises a mass Exodus to the hinterlands of the Marshmallow Fluff of the League of Nations- O Canada  -yet never delivers the promised change of address notifications, that they might instead seize upon a fortuitous opportunity and choose to contribute in Making America Less Grating Again by mimicking  the example of the unfortunate House of Laughlin by traveling the express exit from polite society and booking an extended stay in the Big House, which would not only separate the cultural snowflakes from imposing their lunatic ideals on a genuine working class from five to life (though the latest Sanders delusion, born-  no doubt  -of an excess of Vermont cheese, would still afford them the opportunity to write in their favored ethnocentric Maoist even in the comfort of solitary confinement) and thus save the rest of us from having to endure one more electoral season of their interminable irrational clucking? And with that extended introduction, we present yet another version of America’s most trusted model for anti-immigration legislation, the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, brought to you by those wonderful border smugglers of SKITTLES, America’s favorite breakfast candy. In this edition, we glory in the very thought of as many Hollywood denizens finding citizenship in a cell block, and feature the many films in which a character is depicted as enjoying such residency. Your task is to observe the following twenty five images and identifying from which films they were sourced. The first to correctly identify all of the images will receive bail in the form of the coveted CSR Culture Shock Award; better than a Presidential Pardon and enjoyable without the danger of itching or unpleasant facial eruptions. Good luck.


Posted in biography, books, British films, comedy, crime, Drive-In Movies, education, History, Movies, Mystery, westerns, women, writing | 4 Comments

By the Colouring Book: “Die, Monster, Die!” (1965)


            “Die, Monster, Die” (1965)

    The literary reputation of H.P. Lovecraft receives a glancing body blow with “Die, Monster, Die!”, an extremely casual adaptation of his celebrated short story The ColourdiemonsterdieHS Out of Space; a film which seems to have far more in common with the with the Edgar Allan Poe adaptations (themselves only mere suggestive shells of the original tales) of Roger Corman in which an outsider’s presence becomes an unwitting catalyst in the unraveling of dangerous familial dynamics attributable to illness, tragedy and a particularly alarming genetic disposition toward madness. This is, perhaps, a foreseeable source of influence since the first-time director Daniel Haller had recently worked on no less than five of the Poe/Corman films  (including “The Haunted Palace” which, although attributed to Poe, actually had its basis in another Lovecraft story, The Strange Case of Charles Dexter Ward) in the capacity of art director or production designer.

    But in the indulgent use of such well traveled narrative tropes which have little to do with the source material, director Haller and screenwriter Jerry Sohl mistakenly embrace a staid familiarity; a decision which comes at the expense of ultimately abandoning one of the most notable achievements of Lovecraft’s tale: the conception of an entirely unorthodox alien presence, which here is abandoned for a far more conventional source of menace. In fact, there are attempts to obscure such conventionality late in the film with a out of left field suggestion that much of what is occurring is nonsensically connected to a grandfather’s occult attempts to contact mysterious beings, which is in itself suggestive Lovecraft’s  entirely unrelated Cthulhu Mythos. However, this is merely evidence of a desperate attempt to obscure the fact that the filmmakers, despite their labored attempts to create an air of  unspeakable horror, are merely distracting from the film’s trading in that hoariest of  post-1950 genre tropes: radiation mutation.

To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/chandler-swain-reviews-drive-in-cinema-2/


Posted in books, Boris Karloff, Drive-In Movies, H.P. Lovecraft, horror, Movies, Roger Corman, science fiction, short stories, writing | Tagged , | 7 Comments

Labor Party: “The Mole People” (1956)

         “The Mole People”  (1956)

  It’s a curious phenomenon when a cultural industry ignores a particularly prickly subject which merits serious dramatic representation simply through moral cowardice or, more disgracefully, through financial considerations which take into account certain regional markets which might boycott such historical illumination as a slap in the face to still existent Jim Crow lifestyles. The Hollywood industry, once self-ruled by the complex set of regulations barring all that were deemed transgressive breaches of moral behavior, nevertheless cast a blind eye to those darker corners of human nature which institutionally promoted racism. Thus, in such a corrupted atmosphere of righteousness did flower a fairly consistent portrait of  citizens of color depicted as little more than domesticated servants or foolish caricatures and as such the source of undignified humor. If black indignity (not to mention rage) was suspiciously absent from the so-called Golden Age of Hollywood, so too were unflinching and unromanticized depictions of American slavery; with existent portraits of suffering usually relegated to the more individual circumstances of indentured servitude (generally a healthily buxom maiden in historical adventures or melodramas) or, especially, as a figure of empirical oppression in biblical epics; whose distant timeframe did much to obscure any inconvenient kinship to more historically adjacent examples of comparative offences. Then there are the most curious instances of allegorical representation…

    Beginning with a rather unconvincing lecture espousing the hollow sphere theory by Dr. Frank C. Baxter, the 50’s favored expert on scientific subjects which are outside of his chosen field of expertise (he was a professor of English), Virgil Vogel’s “The Mole People” is granted an air of arch self-importance which may have been thought to grant the particularly preposterous scenario a certain level of intellectual respectability, though the film has as much relevance to the opening academic salvo as a documentary on coal mining. Subterranean considerations aside, “the Mole People” is ponderous even when the story suggests far more incident than is actually occurring. One reason for this may be the sheer abundance of scenes in which characters do little but skulk through  unlit tunnels in fruitless exercises in tail-chasing; that is when they are not surrounded by the grandeur of some of the most obvious matte paintings in memory. 

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/chandler-swain-reviews-nites-at-the-natick-drive-in/chandler-swain-reviews-nites-at-the-bellingham-drive-in/


Posted in Drive-In Movies, horror, John Agar, movie reviews, Movies, religion, Romance, women, writing | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Farm Hands: “Jennie, Wife/Child” (1968)

jennie1      “Jennie, Wife/Child”   (1968)

    For the advanced connoisseur of sexploitation sleaze, “Jennie, Wife/Child” is bound to disappoint. But for those trulyjenniewifechildos interested in the cinema in all of its permutations, and the small, unexpected demonstrations of unheralded accomplishment in the most unlikely of vehicles, there is much to consider, even admire, in this umpteenth telling of the jealous farmer and his sexy but unhappy (not to mention unsatisfied) young trophy bride.

    The subject of endless derisive dirty jokes, the curmudgeon farmer as cuckold (or outraged parent of a violated tease in the farmer’s daughter variations) is here represented by Albert Peckingpaw (Jack Lester), whose miserly ways has created a frisson in his May -December marriage to twenty four year old Jennie (Beverly Lunsford) who, realistically, is a bit long in the tooth to be continuously referenced as a child bride. Finding little romantic sustenance in Albert’s refusal to buy her pretty baubles, Jennie seeks comfort in the person of their farm hand Mario (Jim Reader), a Jethro Bodine wannabe who, as prescribed by the rules of Hollywood stereotyping in the depiction of rural laborers, is as dumb as a bale of hay. Mario spends his leisure time becoming inebriated by swigging on liquor bottles which are obviously empty, while Jennie orbits about the barnyard dullard, with her dreams of erotic rewards sparked by the fact that Mario is often shirtless and sweaty despite the fact that he rarely engages in labor more strenuous  than trying to remember which chores to do. Peckingpaw catches his wife in flagrante delicto merely by hearing her giggle (the film is surprisingly chaste), a demonstration of far more active imagination than the farmer has previously exercised. Naturally, being the product of heated melodrama, Peckingpaw reacts not with reason or self-reflection, but with the planning of a murderous revenge.

 To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/poverty-row/




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Splits: “The Cheerleaders” (1973)



ARE YOU HELPING WITH MY GOLF SWING OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?: Getting your stroke right is all a matter of practice as amply demonstrated in Paul Glickler’s hard-hitting exploration of modern mores, radical feminist empowerment and the missionary position, “The Cheerleaders”.

       “The Cheerleaders”     (1973)

    With “The Cheerleaders”, director Paul Glickler answers the musical question: just what goes on in the heads of America’s annoying sideline0000cheerleadersOS screamers? If his film is any accurate indication, the answer is simple: very little thought as all roads appear to lead to the nether regions. The film follows the peculiarly successful season of the Amarosa High School football team-  peculiar as they have been colossal duds until a recent string of victories against superior teams  -and the particular circumstances involved in this mysterious turn of events. Being that this is a Jerry Gross presentation rather than one by Walt Disney, what are the odds that this mystery may find a solution not with Flubber but with rubbers?

      By turning his high school cheerleading squad into an uncontrolled group of insatiable succubi, the Glickler film reverses the popular role of horny male adolescents in their search for carnal nirvana, though “The Cheerleaders” presents its “heroines” in a distinctly different light: being deliberately, aggressively predatory with a specific reward in mind for their sexual servicing. Rather than the usual vacuous goofy male teen simply out to get laid to fulfill the demands of both the dopey teen comedy and their burgeoning hormones, the girls of Amarosa High’s cheerleading squad seem so naturally practiced in the fine art of the courtesan revelry as to make the antics in Fanny Hill seems like antiquated prudery in comparison. And while the spontaneous couplings are of sufficient frequency to raise alarm that the squad might eventually suffer from friction burns, the young ladies (whose indeterminate portrayed ages, led to provocative concerns over a possible portrayal and endorsement of underage carnality; a view which the filmmakers deplorably sniff aside as mere coming-of-age hijinks) are imbued with a motive of disturbing calculation for a greater portion of their libertine excesses: with the  their sexual congress unhealthily suggesting secondary school prostitution. None of the girls seem motivated by personal stimulative gratification, as much as the more mercenary reward of adding another win in their school’s hapless football team’s victory column by draining (so to speak) the opposing team’s players of stamina by strategically banging their brains out before the game. One wonders if the same stratagem is implemented for the school’s basketball, baseball and wrestling tournaments? Why not debate team meets and chess club matches as long as we’re talking about the blind promotion of school spirit? (In regard to the squad actually lighting a fire of enthusiasm under the collective student body, it might have occurred to someone in the planning stages of the film to have the girls show the slightest affinity for anything but painfully uncoordinated and tepid attempts at sideline rallying.)

To read the complete review, click the following link to:  https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/sticky-floors-stained-screens-days-nights-at-the-grindhouse/

Posted in Drive-In Movies, education, erotica, grindhouse, movie reviews, sex, Uncategorized, women, writing | Tagged | 1 Comment

-30-: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, April 2019 Edition, Vol. 1984

-30-: Classic Film Images Photo Quiz, April 2019 Edition, Vol. 1984

    Now that the two year Mueller investigation has reached the obvious conclusion that indeed there has been blatant seditious collusion between Russian interests to undermine and interfere with public confidence in American democracy, and a shadowy-  if ineptly attention seeking  -crass, craven and self-absorbed partner within the United States who can be easily identified by the SVR code name, the Fourth Estate (a conclusion which becomes more apparent if, in the context of this discussion, you identify the brethren first Three Estates as Moe, Larry and Curly), it may be a perfect opportunity to identify the bearers of shameless Poverty Row standards to a once noble and necessary profession. (It is probably obligatory, for reasons of clarity, to emphasize that the more secondary [but, unfortunately, still publicly unavoidable] cohorts in this grand scheme of fraud, deception and ignominy-  politicians and Hollywood celebrities  -have never been noble or necessary except in their own personal pursuit to nourish their own special form of sociopathic narcissism.) Yes, we are talking about the Free Press (at least they admit what they’re worth), that randy bunch of neurotics, incompetents and featherweight idealists whose professional ethics are guided by a moral compass as straight as Quasimodo’s spine. And with that brief but poignant introduction of persons whom you would never entrust with keeping an eye on your latte while you’re visiting Starbucks’ Men’s/Women’s/Transsexual/Whatever Room (we cater to all persuasions here in the sovereign state of “Who Gives a Damn? Mind Your Own Business and Lemme Eat My Beef Jerky in Peace”), we bring you yet another edition of that most celebrated of boardless bored games, the Classic Film Images Photo Quiz; brought to you, as always, by the ravenous consumers of SKITTLES, America’s favorite breakfast candy. In this edition we celebrate, or at least mention in passing without succumbing to cramps and a general sensation of nausea, the brave and bold (and mostly fictional) depictions of intrepid journalists in the cinema. The following twenty five images are from films in which honor, dignity and ethics (there are inevitable exceptions) are the cornerstones of the depicted news profession. (Editorially, we at CSR felt it unfair to load the quiz with less respectable representations of the craft, feeling that the current crop of “journalists” are embarrassing themselves enough without assistance.) Your task is to identify all twenty five films, avoid Congressional subpoenas by supplying your answers to us in a (preferably compromised) dossier. The first to correctly identify all twenty five films will receive the infamous CSR Culture Shock Award; legitimate as a substitute passport at all Russian border crossings. Udachi.


Posted in biography, books, Boston, comedy, crime, History, Movies, politics, Television, westerns, women, writing | Tagged , | 9 Comments

“Across 110th Street” (1972)


across1             “Across 110 Street”  (1972)

    Barry Shear’s “Across 110th Street” walks the precarious line between the gritty urban cop thrilleracrossOS for which the standard was set by the previous year’s “The French Connection” and the trashiest of blaxploitation, that unwittingly goes to great lengths that oily haired mobsters and watered down genre tropes don’t make for a satisfying mix. Shear’s predilection toward handheld camera shooting intends to weld a docudrama immediacy to the proceedings à la Friedkin, but all that results is a strained, incompatible visual aesthetic whose grittiness only makes the B-movie artificially of the characters all the more unpalatable.

    As the result of a deadly Harlem robbery, which results in the death seven men, including two police officers, an energetic search for the perpetrators is led by Mafia psycho Nick D’Salvio (Anthony Franciosa) whose interest in indulging in graphic, extended torture is only equalled by his acting the caricature of every overly emotive bad gangster performance including a particular affinity toward expressing every shade of human emotion with a death’s head toothy grimace. On the side of the proverbial angels is police Capt. Frank Mattelli (Anthony Quinn), a veteran cop whose delicate technique of beating witnesses results in not a single lead but effortlessly maintains the film’s provocative but needless my consistent level of brutality.  Partnered with Mattelli’s old-across2school persona (by way of secondary  corrupt film noir flatfoots) is  the more satiric contemplative Lt. William Pope (Yaphet Kotto), whose gentler forbearance also fails to yield; with the resulting generational, racial and temperament frisson between the two reduced to a mere matter of appearance, with Pope looking quite dapper, whereas Mattelli continually looks as if he’s just fallen out of a Murphy bed.

To read the complete review, click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/nights-at-the-kb-cinemas/

Posted in black cinema, Blaxploitation, books, crime, Movies, racism, writing | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Busted: “The Organization” (1971)

“The Organization” (1971)

    In “The Organization”, the final film in the Virgil Tibbs  trilogy, there is a vivid demonstration of the law of diminishing returns. The film features a plot that is not only needlessly illogical, but commits the unpardonable sin of making the featured homicide detective fairly irrelevant to the main action.

    A furniture manufacturing company is subjected to a robbery of such unnecessary overproduction (apparently designed to eliminate the possibility of escaping notice), so much so that it could have only been conceived by a scenarist overly stimulated by viewing any one of a hundred better caper films. The protagonists are a merry band of social activists, each equipped with a sad story and the kind of weighty chip on their respective shoulders which will guarantee that they will stupidly act in a recklessly emboldened fashion which will almost guarantee their demise.

To read the complete review click the following link to: https://chandlerswainreviews.wordpress.com/now-playing-at-the-mercado-cinema/




Posted in black cinema, crime, movie reviews, movie sequels, Movies, Mystery, Sidney Poitier, writing | Tagged , | 2 Comments