On the Red Carpet: Adventures in Being Nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award, or: How to Succeed in Film Criticism Without Really Trying

"Just how did this happen?" he asks. Well, read further to find out...

“Just how did this happen?” he asks. Well, read further to unravel the mystery…

      Mail, either of the snail or “e” variety, has never held a hallowed place in the headquarters of this site (though, to be honest, this headquarters is lacking a great deal of the amenities that would appoint a proper underground lair) what with the history of draft notices and the continuous flood of appeals from a certain Nigerian royal who didn’t seem versatileblogger111satisfied with my prior shipments of Alpaca Snow Gear and the entire contents of my Polaroid stock portfolio (sucker), so it was something of a surprise to receive a message from Rachel from the most excellent Sunset Boulevard site saying that she had not only been made recipient of a very deserved Versatile Blogger Award, but that among her fifteen additional nominees she (mistakenly, one would hope) included the name of one Chandler Swain Reviews (C’est moi!), as disreputable and lazy a film site as one might imagine. Well, as Joe E. Brown said, “nobody’s perfect.” So let me take this opportunity to emerge from this momentary confusion of judgment to sincerely say “gee thanks” to both Rachel (read her blog now!) for her most kind and generous regards and to the readers of Chandler Swain Reviews who have shown more patience in putting up with the preposterously infrequent output on the site (Perhaps it would be easier to write with more than a quill pen and pigment from crushed berries.) and ultimately make this site possible. (AHA! So it is your fault!) Ah! But there are rules with marcellowhich to comply (we are in America after all) in this award process, and so after a quick document check, clipping of 50% off coupons for 100 lb. bags of kibble at PetSmart (being sans canine does not relinquish the responsible citizen’s duty to be prepared for any contingency) and a quick change into a Red Carpet tux, let us proceed to the mechanics of the Versatile Blogger Award process. Note that it is not a prerequisite to arrive in a limo, though women might want to caution against unfortunate Isadora Duncan moments by trailing their Oscar de la Renta into the wheels of a Vespa. The rules of the Award are as follows:

1) Display the Award on your page.

2) Announce your win/nomination with a post in which you thank the Blogger who nominated you. (This is my favorite part and in the case of the following inevitably grateful fifteen nominees, it couldn’t hurt to remind you that the preference on this site are Havana Cubanos and 20 year old bourbon.)

3) Present 15 deserving Bloggers with their own Award. (And just so the following fifteen don’t get too out of line, remember folks- there’s such a thing as seniority.)

4) Link your nominees in the post and let them know of their own nominations with a comment. (Now this step makes perfect sense as if the following fifteen were not notified, there would be a serious excess of surplus Awards stacking up around the old keyboard. Each of the following fifteen are linked, so click onto them and visit. Now. Stop wasting your time reading this and visit pages worth reading. Now!! [Why are you still here?])

5) Post seven interesting things about yourself. (The key word is “interesting” so if you are a participant in the Federal Witness Protection Program, just keep it to yourself, as it’s already difficult enough to sound more than “un”interesting without encountering such extravagantly exotic competition.)’

    As for the prerequisite nominations, they are, each and every one, a welcome oasis in the vast Internet Desert; creative, nourishing, imaginative and immensely talented. It is a privilege to share a writing medium with them, and even after the endless centuries this scribbler has been hacking out opinions, it’s a rare blessing to be revitalized on a daily basis by such a cadre of inspiringly independent voices. The fifteen very deserving writers (was there ever a more honorable title?) to receive their own nominations/awards are:


Citizen Screenings


Surrounded By Imbeciles

What I Watched Last Night

Flim Flam Film Talk

Cinema Arete


Having a Coke With You: By the Reel

Popcorn Nights

The History Tourist

Tipping My Fedora

Vintage45’s Blog

Practically Historical

T.B. Rickert’s Call

…and if you will allow a moment of self-indulgence, I’d like to give an honorary shout out to both Serendipity and It Rains… You Get Wet, who would certainly have been mentioned above if others had not beaten me to the punch. Reward them by visiting their sites and the rewards will be yours.


Now that I have your attention, a few reveals that if you place the pieces together properly will win your team the Immunity Idol.

1) My first professional review was for the Cal Beck publication Castle of Frankenstein; a negative (surprise) look at José Ramón Larraz’ 1974 “The House That Vanished” (AKA: “Scream… and Die”).

2) Though not religious, it was once my ambition to be the first Protestant Pope.

3) If a killer asteroid were screaming toward the Earth, I’d be alright with it as long as I could get a last plate of Chicken Scarpariello over angel hair pasta at Carmine’s. If you doubt me, then you haven’t tasted it.

4) While having no problems with spiders, snakes, rodents or shadowy assassins, I have a  phobia with extreme heights and a terror of the possibility of newly discovered Elizabeth Taylor films.

5) I have never walked out of a movie, though the George Cukor version of “The Blue Bird” was a test of patience where I actually got up and walked toward the exit three times before surrendering to suffering through to the end.

6) Every five years or so I find myself rereading the entire Ian Fleming James Bond series.

7) Favorite piece of music to write to: Beethoven’s Symphony #7, Second Movement.

And thus enters a new era of Chandler Swain Reviews, an era of mocha java-fueled critical naysaying at an average rate of about six posts per millennium…movie

About chandlerswainreviews

I've been a puppet, a pirate, a pauper, a poet, a pawn and a king, not necessarily in that order. My first major movie memory was being at the drive-in at about 1 1/2 yrs. old seeing "Sayonara" so I suppose an interest in film was inevitable. (For those scoring at home- good for you- I wasn't driving that evening, so no need to alert authorities.)Writer, critic and confessed spoiler of women, as I have a tendency to forget to put them back in the refrigerator. My apologies.
This entry was posted in blogging, Film, Movies, Reviews, updates, writing. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to On the Red Carpet: Adventures in Being Nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award, or: How to Succeed in Film Criticism Without Really Trying

  1. billyriel1971 says:

    Thanks for the recent visit and the “like” of a post on my Western genre site….much appreciated. Your site is quite comprehensive….some great work here and an imaginative use of video and images!
    All the best,

    • Thanks for the kind words, though I realize I have much work to do on this site to get it the way I want it. I’m just glad I was able to find your site through a recommendation on TheVillageSmith site, as I’ve always had an insatiable appetite for anything to do with the western and the Old West. Even in my initial brief visit, I can tell I’m going to have a great deal of interesting hours absorbing and exploring your posts and insights.

  2. Popcorn Nights says:

    Thanks Chandler, much appreciated! I’ll be checking out the other blogs you mentioned above.

  3. dbmoviesblog says:

    Thank you for the nomination and for the kind words on my blog, much appreciate this.

  4. Pingback: Nominated for The Versatile Blogger Award – Drum Roll Please | TheVillageSmith

  5. Thanks for including me – very kind of you. And yeah, you’re right about la Taylor’s filmography – enough’s enough!

  6. Rick says:

    Thanks for the award. I will be following the rules in my next post.

  7. Cliff Burns says:

    Very much appreciate your mentioning my odd, excruciatingly personal film blog (“Cinema Arete”) and I congratulate you for being cited by your fellow blogger. Kudos!

    And I still have an extra copy of “Little Fauss & Big Halsey” lying around, whenever you want me to send it your way. Just say the word.

    Have an inspired autumn, lad…

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